Gravity

"Then there are moments when you feel that gravity is totally messing with you.  'Expansion and contraction', said the Universe to the wandering mind."  

-Vanessa Jubis  

My mind wanders to far off places, dreaming of some inspiration, some solace, some quiet, sometimes.

What's the matter?  Me.  I'm the matter.  It's just that sometimes, I float away.

Gravity is what keeps me grounded, tethered, steady, right here.

Gravity is what pulls two objects together.  As in, my husband and I.  My children and I.  Me and myself.

Gravity is the constant that reminds me to stand, to jump, to fall and well, pick myself back up again.

Along with expansion and contraction.  It's how things work.  Isn't it?

The Universe expands and contracts.

When you make love you expand and contract.

Pregnancy and birth expands and contracts.

The flowers, the ocean, the trees, our lungs, our heart, the rapid movement of a hummingbird.

In essence, it is the pulse of life.

Gravity pulls me down at times.  But I know that I can stand up whenever I choose.

Playing Favorites

I noticed something the other day.  Something I've been doing for some time now.

I noticed that I write a whole lot about my eldest daughter, Sabrina.  Right here on my blog.

I began to worry when I noticed this.  Why?  Because I have two younger daughters.

The thought of 'inadvertently' playing favorites did not sit well with me.

I began to question myself about the reasons why I do this.  I began to doubt my ability to be fair.
I began to think of all the ways that my two younger daughters will one day say, 'Yeah mom, it looks like we weren't good enough 'content' for you!' or 'Mom, talk about having a favorite!'

The thought nearly brought me to tears.  As if I need one more thing to question myself on?

I feel as if my work here is single faceted with respect to my experience with only one of my daughters.

Let it be known that I love all THREE of my daughters, EQUALLY.

I don't favor one from the other.

I don't think that either of them is better than the other.

I don't play favorites.  Or do I?

I try to include snip bits of my other two daughters but perhaps my eldest just has more for me to write about.  Still, I don't like the idea of writing less about the younger two.

What will my daughters think of me one day?
Will they question the 'why' behind my writing here?  I don't know...?

After all, they WILL read this blog because it's going to be here, forever.

The one thing I know for sure is that THEY are the reason I write here.  THEY are my inspiration. THEY are my muse.  THEY are why I bring the magical and the mundane together.

I want them to know that no matter what they think, I've always made it a point to photograph them in their silliest moments or even video tapped them doing something I found to be wonderful.

Kalina's, 'Lettuce' eat! 

 

Luna's off the cuff lyrics.  

These are the small moments that inspire wonder in this mama. 

I love you, Sabrina.

I love you, Luna.

I love you, Kalina.

Mama is not playing favorites because my favorite thing of all is mothering all three of you.

I'm not crazy

I went to the hospital yesterday afternoon because I was experiencing chest pressure, difficulty breathing, my heart pounding and an extreme FEAR that I was going to die.

I was having a full blown and quite severe panic attack.  The worst one ever.

Let's just start by saying that there is nothing fun about feeling like you're about to die while alone with your three children.  Darling hubby was working one and a half hours away from home and I was running errands with the girls.

You should know that when I reach the point to call my husband for help because I don't feel well, it. is. serious.  I'm notorious for NOT asking for help.  I need to work on that.  

After I called DH, he advised me to go home and that he would leave work as soon as possible.  Thankfully, he also called his mother to come to the house and help me.

Once my MIL arrived, she convinced me to go to the hospital because she saw the worry and fear in me.  I was so afraid that I was going to have a heart attack.  Yes, a heart attack because it doesn't matter how young you are or how much friggin' exercise you do or how well you eat, ANYONE can have a heart attack.

THAT idea scared the shit out of me.

I wasn't interested in the 'til death do us part' aspect my life YET.  Leave me alone black reaper!

Seriously, a panic attack is nothing to take lightly.  It's real.  It's a disorder.  I'm not crazy.

At the hospital after the EKG, chest X-ray and blood work all came back 'normal', I was given a Xanax to calm me down.

I had never taken a drug for my psychological issues.  The Xanax worked in this instance and within an hour after taking it, I was discharged with "the good news is, 'you're not crazy', nor are you headed that way."  Yes, that was written in the discharge notes.

"Gee, thanks!" I thought.

I was also given an Rx for Klonopin.  I haven't decided just yet if I'm going to get that prescription filled.  Although, I do fear having another one of these episodes while alone and with the girls.

I found this informative and hilarious video describing a panic attack.

I DO shop at Whole Foods and I am NORMAL ;)

I WILL overcome this.  I WILL share my experience here.  I WILL inevitably help someone else going through this because we are NOT alone.

*I was not paid or compensated to write this post.  All opinions belong to me.*

Ugh

Image via Google

'Ugh' is the prefix to many of my 'blah' expressions.  

As in:

• Ugh, that was so dumb!
• Ugh, this poo smells like road kill!
• Ugh, (blank) is calling AGAIN!?
• Ugh, look at the time.
• Ugh, this look terrible on me.
• Ugh, the laundry is my enemy.
• Ugh, what am I doing this for?
• Ugh, I'm so bloated.
• Ugh, SpongeBob is so annoying!
• Ugh, why are toddlers so picky?
• Ugh, I totally screwed up. 
• Ugh, I need more coffee.
• Ugh, this shit sucks.
• Ugh, I need a drink.
• Ugh....

You get the point.

Today started out somewhat fine.  Hence my Day #1 of  February photo a day challenge below.

But then, the day plummeted.

I'm not sure if it was the asshole Miami drivers or the shrieking bickering of the girls in the back seat of the car WHILE dealing with the asshole Miami drivers.  Or maybe it was...who the heck knows...?

It doesn't matter.

Today was an 'Ugh' day.

Here's to a better tomorrow.