Disappointment brings forth pain.
It gets sticky when the disappointment revolves around my children. You see, I'm not disappointed in them but rather, in some people that surround, or actually, that could surround them. These sort of disappointments sting and inflict the kind of pain that you want to let go real fast, like when you grab a scorchingly hot pan without wearing a glove.
Letting go is the easy part.
In my younger/single days, I'd carry a disappointment for a short time but then I'd let it slip away from me like a fallen silk scarf. Now that I have children, certain disappointments that affect them stick to me like when you walk through a cob web, you feel it and it's difficult to get rid of it.
Moving on is always a bit harder.
The job of having to explain a one-sided truth to them allows me to be fully transparent but only half correct. Still, I must be careful of not transmitting my own pain with the message but as you know, this too can be a treacherous road.
I understand that we are not free from problems. I know that every single one of us has their own troubles and heartaches to deal with. But I also understand that a choice is always made. When it relates to innocent children, they simply want to be loved and cannot fully grasp why anyone would not want to be a part of their lives.
Life is complicated and confusing, eh?
In spite of all this, I'm not teaching them to be hard and unfeeling. Quite the contrary, I'm teaching them to be soft and vulnerable with their feelings because this is what makes them human and raw.
Being human is breathing and feeling and sitting with their pain or disappointment because no matter what, they'll inevitably grow from it. I can only hope that they emulate what I am showing them in myself.
Hard isn't better. Swallowing an issue for the sake of proving to be 'tough' will not give them what they need to grow. I want them to know that pain and disappointment are tough but it will eventually dissipate if and when they allow themselves to sit with it and own it.
Dissipate.
I'm trying to parent my daughters without masks or armor. I want them to see me raw and real and vulnerable. I'm choosing to be fully authentic with them. You see, there is always a choice to be made.
When I let disappointment dissipate it doesn't mean that I'm weak or uncaring. It means that there is no point in me holding on to anger and resentment because these are the things that'll consume me if I let it.
For quite some time now I've been diverting my attention and energy toward the people that do want to be a part of my daughters' lives. The ones that enjoy their company and are eager to learn more about them. The ones that celebrate the minuscule details of who they are and the very things that make them smile and laugh out loud. These are the ones that matter. I don't need to chase the ones that don't put an effort because I'm only taking away from the ones that do.
I know my place and I know when to allow certain things to dissipate. My heart always remains open but I've become strictly selective with how I share my daughter's vulnerable emotions. They'll always get to choose either way. I guess you can call it the 'Tiger Mama' in me. I can't help it.
Children know who genuinely love them. Children know when they are wanted. Children know when not to ask for someone anymore because whether we think so or not, they've owned their pain in some unique way and they too have moved on.
I want my daughters to know that while disappointment is inevitable, allowing it to dissipate is their choice. As their mother I can only provide them with certain tools but I cannot choose how they ultimately utilize them.
