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| Luna, Kalina & Sabrina (From left to right) |
If I were to ever lose my sense of lucidity, I’d want my daughters to know that every lucid day of my life I doubted myself.
I doubted my ability to be a good mother. I doubted my ability to know the different between a happy day and a sad day because most days seemed like a struggle to me no matter what.
That I would dream of the day that I would not give a damn about whether I scrubbed the toilet or hand washed their favorite dress because deep down inside of me, I knew that they wouldn’t care either way.
I would want for them to know how I would often think of ways to make a difference without sacrificing my own needs but in the end, my needs were always sacrificed.
I would want them to know that in the late hours of the night, I would walk into their bedroom and watch each of them sleep while listening to the cadence of their little breaths and I’d hold my own breath because the sight of them in slumber was so moving.
I’d want them to see me for what I was to them and not for what others said I lacked or wasn’t good at. I would want them to know that even when I needed to step out of the house because I’d be so overwhelmed with the noise, the neediness of them and the suffocating job of being a Mom, as soon as I was half a block away from the house, I would miss them terribly and would want to come rushing back home.
I would also want for them to know that there were days that I wished I could’ve left altogether and hoped that they wouldn’t miss me.
I would want them to know that I lived and breathed their very existence but that I questioned my own capability to live and breath in my own skin because motherhood is difficult, awareness is a challenge and loving them can sometimes drain you.
I doubted my ability to be a good mother. I doubted my ability to know the different between a happy day and a sad day because most days seemed like a struggle to me no matter what.
That I would dream of the day that I would not give a damn about whether I scrubbed the toilet or hand washed their favorite dress because deep down inside of me, I knew that they wouldn’t care either way.
I would want for them to know how I would often think of ways to make a difference without sacrificing my own needs but in the end, my needs were always sacrificed.
I would want them to know that in the late hours of the night, I would walk into their bedroom and watch each of them sleep while listening to the cadence of their little breaths and I’d hold my own breath because the sight of them in slumber was so moving.
I’d want them to see me for what I was to them and not for what others said I lacked or wasn’t good at. I would want them to know that even when I needed to step out of the house because I’d be so overwhelmed with the noise, the neediness of them and the suffocating job of being a Mom, as soon as I was half a block away from the house, I would miss them terribly and would want to come rushing back home.
I would also want for them to know that there were days that I wished I could’ve left altogether and hoped that they wouldn’t miss me.
I would want them to know that I lived and breathed their very existence but that I questioned my own capability to live and breath in my own skin because motherhood is difficult, awareness is a challenge and loving them can sometimes drain you.
I’d want them to know that the fact that they are my daughters was one of the reasons I told myself that I was bound to make mistakes, that they were bound to hate me, that I was bound to not like them sometimes, that they were bound to wish they had another Mom, that I was bound to cry myself to sleep from the guilt, that they were bound to always want to see me smile and while I did my very best to mother them with my entire existence, I knew that I’d sometimes fail and I’d also disappoint.
But the one thing I knew for sure was that, I loved them to their core, no matter how much I doubted myself, no matter how drained I felt, no matter what time of day it was and no matter the amount of times I forgot to scrub the damn toilet because the toilet was crap compared to them.
All my love,
Mommy~
But the one thing I knew for sure was that, I loved them to their core, no matter how much I doubted myself, no matter how drained I felt, no matter what time of day it was and no matter the amount of times I forgot to scrub the damn toilet because the toilet was crap compared to them.
All my love,
Mommy~
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