Aside from the fact that neither my husband nor I are competitive people, she's hell bent on being #1, the BEST, the WINNER and what have you.
Most would probably remark 'But this is a GREAT quality!' or 'She's motivated and driven for success!' or 'You should be PROUD that she's competitive!'
This is all quite fine for others to think. Remark all you want. The fact remains that I am NOT proud of this attribute and there isn't a darn thing I can do about it. She's got it. I don't like it. That's that. Whatever.
Yesterday we went bowling with some dear friends and we rented two lanes so that the kiddies can have their own. Sabrina, my eldest, actually was the eldest in the group of five kids. We were no more than ten minutes into the bowling when she started to pout, and cross her arms with furrowed eyebrows. I asked her what was wrong and she tearily mentioned how 'I'm not winning! I only knocked down two pins!' as more tears followed.
I won't lie, I was incensed with her response but I also felt sorry for her as well.
I mustered up my compassionate mama and said,
'Sabrina, bowling or playing a game is not about the win but more about the journey and the fun of it all. You're not always going to win and this is perfectly fine. Just have fun and if you lose, be happy about the fact that you were able to play and that you did your best.'Still, she was not happy with my edification of her emotions. So, I had to let it go and let her be even if I was still upset about her incessant need to win.
I realized that this burning feeling inside of her WILL be a challenge that she'll have to face for the rest of her life and that she's simply going to have to cope with it. I cannot try to change this for her because she is whom she is. I believe that you're born with certain qualities and that not all are nurtured. I'm a living example of this. But that's another story.
I imagine this feeling to be damn difficult for a child. I imagine the frustration and heartbreak and I know that it sucks. I know that as her mother it will not serve her or me to fight her natural ways, in this case, her need to be competitive. Even while I can't stand this attribute there is a reason why I MUST face it in my own child. Yes, I need to deal with it. Period.
Sabrina's competitiveness is here to teach me one more facet of compassion and understanding and unconditional love. Yes, I'll struggle to understand her at times but the love will never cease to exist. I am her mother and that will never change.
I can empathize with the burning feeling inside that I imagine she must feel except that mine is about the NEED to share and write and express myself. All of my sharing right here is a journey, a 'play' of life, a peek into the world of another and an example of the human condition.
A long 'Play' with little intermissions.
This performance of life includes many takes and too many acts to document in one sitting. The curtain is pulled each time I'm mothering, parenting, loving, feeling, being, expressing, sharing, crying, laughing, smiling and just living.
There's a chance that Sabrina will continue to compete for things throughout her life. I also know that one day it will not be for an applause but more for her passion and enjoyment of it all.
At the end of each act, it's not about the applause but more about the journey and hopefully, one day, my daughter will 'break a leg', proud of her performance of life without a tear running down her cheek because in my eyes she'll always be a winner and that'll be the day that I proudly cry for her as I stand applauding her fearless performance.
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