Proof of little wonders

A little over a month ago I wrote the story of my temporary parents in, 'Once upon a daughter.'

"Just when you least expect it, 

a little piece of wonder smacks you to tears and sheer smiles..."- vj

Allow me to express that my goal in sharing my deepest emotions and struggles here on my blog is to allow myself to further edify my mere existence, perhaps figure out a thing or two and maybe, just maybe, inspire one person while I'm at it.

My dear and loyal readers, what I am about to share with you has 'proven' a response to the one question I've grappled with for most of my adult life:

Was there ever a time where I was a genuinely happy child?  

I've shared some unfortunate things here on my blog as well as, emotionally draining issues and some scary stuff, among others.  Today, I give you my 'proof' of little wonders.      


I finally received the answer to my one question.  Here's the story...

Monday, February 27th 

I recognized the handwriting immediately.  There was a small box sitting on my doorstep.  It was addressed to me.  I love receiving personal mail.  I'm a geek like that.

A package from my Aunt Mary (my memory keeper) instantly put a smile on my face.  I truly had no idea what to expect.

I excitedly brought the box into the house and immediately began peeling away the layers of packing tape from the edges.  The box was methodically stuffed as to protect something valuable.  My heart began to race.

I don't know why but perhaps I felt that something wondrous was going to be uncovered?

Next, I pulled out one, then two, then three crumpled pieces of brown paper out from the box.
Then the note appeared.

As I read those beautifully written words, my heart fell to my feet and I was overcome with heavy emotions.  I held my mouth in complete 'awe' of what I was about to view for the very first time in my life.  

My hands were trembling with excitement and my heart continued to pound against my chest.  

I unwrapped a beautiful little box with a dragonfly on it! (Dragonflies are my absolute favorite insect.  They're like little magical creatures to me.)  Inside this special little box I found a perfect collection of memories.  Memories I thought I was NEVER lucky enough to have or own.

Carefully contained in this little box were 68 perfectly preserved slides.  All of them were photos of me just after I turned two in August 1979.  

Tears thickly welled up in my eyes as I gently removed each slide to hold up to the pendant lamp above me.  My husband was standing beside me, holding my back and simply 'awe' struck with what he was witnessing.  Photos of a little me that resembled each one of my little girls (especially our Kalina.)  

You may be wondering why all of this is so incredibly precious to me?  You see, I was a neglected and oftentimes abandoned child and up until now, there had been little 'proof' of a time when I was genuinely happy and safe and enjoying every waking second of my little life.  

On this particular day I held 'proof' of joyous moments.

I held 'proof' of a loving mother (Aunt Mary) to me.  

I held 'proof' of a loving father (Uncle Julio) behind the lens of that camera documenting and capturing the little wonders happening before him.    

I held 'proof' that my psyche was indeed marked with the deepest form of love and compassion by two very special and selfless individuals.  

I held proof.

"A mother does not solely have to be the person who gestated you 

but can also be the person who nurtured and loved you beyond understanding..."- vj

Gratitude is an understatement.

I bawled and whimpered and held my heart with each breath I took.
I worked hard to sniff up my snots!

"One click of a shutter can freeze and contain all the love and beauty 

that a loving father beheld in his eyes..."- vj

Because I was moved to sobs of joy I felt compelled to reach out to someone that also held a piece of my past with him, my 'brother' Chris (Aunt Mary and Uncle Julio's youngest son.)  Something inside of me felt that there was a possibility that he had played a role in this amazing treasure given to me.

Well, it turns out that he had played a role in this and for that I am ETERNALLY GRATEFUL.
Weeks ago, Chris and his lovely wife had gone to visit my Aunt and Uncle and he stumbled upon them going through all of these old photos and slides.  When he saw this, my dear Chris told my Aunt Mary that I 'needed to see them and have them.'  He swung this incredible pendulum into motion.

I love you, Chris.  No matter how much distance is between us or the many years that have overlapped our lives, Chris IS and will always be my big brother.  My heart is drenched in absolute appreciation.

Chris & little me circa 1979

Tuesday, February 28th

Just as Aunt Mary had written in the note, the photo album arrived in a separate box.  I happened to be on my porch when the box arrived and I mentioned to the mail carrier that he had just 'delivered a treasured gift' and he smiled and said 'enjoy!'

My Aunt Mara was visiting me at the time and we had been talking about and viewing the slides.  Tears and smiles were abundant.

I tore the new box open and it revealed a personal album.

The album

The dedication

Aunt Mary put time, energy and a ton of LOVE into making this album for me.  The best part was finding small notes from her memory bank describing details that only a 'mother' would know and share.  

Our time together was special and sacred and I now own this 'proof' to share with my own daughters.  

I look at these photos and cannot help but to bathe myself in tears...

"You were still in diapers but going from toddler to little girl in a hurry."-Aunt Mary

'Proof' of a happy baby girl...

"Every morning you would pick out what you wanted to wear 

including your socks and shoes." -Aunt Mary

Little 'fashionista'

 "...Some of our friends gave you a baby shower with lot's of clothes as gifts..." 

"You loved bubble baths... the more bubbles the better..."- Aunt Mary

Look at that smile! Pure joy...

"You loved playing with cousins Chris & Mike's hamster, 'Poncho Bandito' "- Aunt Mary 

Fascinated...

"You loved books..."- Aunt Mary

My Aunt Mary made that 'princess' costume for me and 

I was able to have an 'early' and safe halloween experience before returning to my birth mother.  

The bottom photo is Aunt Mary and me on our last day together.  

33 years ago I was gifted with unconditional love and affection, not to mention all of the contagious giggles.  

10 years ago I was gifted with pieces of my past in the form of timeless images capturing the sweet baby 'daughter' I was to Uncle Julio and Aunt Mary and little 'sister' I was to Mike and Chris.  

Today, I've been gifted with a precious memory, my childhood happiness.  Thanks to my first unconditionally loving parents, Uncle Julio and Aunt Mary, I can hold this close to my heart forever.  

I love you both beyond what my words can ever express here.    

Uncle Julio & Aunt Mary,

As a small token of my immense gratitude and absolute love for you both, I'd be honored to gift you the chance to get to know, be a part of and share in the lives of my three daughters.  It is the least that I can offer with what you have forever seared in my heart and soul so long ago.  

Love and compassion grew out of my time with you.  Our time together was pivotal in so many ways.  Thank you... thank you... thank you... from the deepest corners of my heart... 

All my love,

           

"Compassion, from birth, is in our blood."- Dalai Lama

Once upon a 'daughter'...

Once upon a time there was a little girl that needed a stable home.  She needed love, a warm bed to sleep in and a set of emotionally available parents.  She needed to be treated more like a daughter and less like a burden.

The little girl's mother struggled with her own stability and was often
looking for temporary placement
in family members' home for her little girl.
She struggled with being able to tend to her two year old daughter's needs.
She struggled with the stigma of being an irresponsible person and mother.
Her life was too complicated to worry about a toddler.

So she thought.

Then one day two very loving and willing people, that already had two children of their own, offered to take the little girl into their home.  They promised to care for her, love her and support her for an indefinite amount of time.  Their selfless act of offering their love was genuine.  The young mother of 24 years of age agreed to hand over her daughter to them.  Them being her older brother and sister-in-law.

No legal agreements.

No time constraints.

Nothing but the child and a black garbage bag stuffed with little girl's clothes.

The couple had always dreamed of having a daughter as they already had two boys.  They drove off to North Carolina from Miami.  They began their life with an added 'daughter' in it.  They could not have been happier.

They loved her, immensely.  They made her giggle.  They kept her warm at night.  They let her take as many bubble baths as she desired.  They showered her with toys and smiles and lot's and lot's of photos.  She had homemade dresses sewn for her.  She baked in the kitchen with her 'mom' and she made her 'dad' run around and chase her.  They simply fell madly in love with her.

Morning time

Picking home grown carrots in a handmade 'Raggedy Ann' dress

Handmade dresses for the photo shoot of her last day with them.

Their 'daughter's' stay lasted a mere three months.  The little girl's mother called them up one day claiming her back.  With no prior warning or a chance to prepare for the dreaded 'good-bye', they had to let go of their little girl, forever.

There was literally nothing they could have done, despite their attempt to legally adopt her.  Her mother was adamant about wanting her back in Miami.  She was, after all, her mother.  But the child needed more and they were willing and able to provide it.  That was that.

*********************************************************************************

You've probably guessed by now that the above story belongs to me.

I was that little girl.

I was the child that was nurtured and loved by two selfless and loving family members.

My Uncle Julio and Aunt Mary.

Over the years, I've heard countless stories of what 'could have been' as for my life had my Uncle Julio and Aunt Mary raised me.  I've heard of the ways that they simply adored and fell madly in love with the little me.

I've also heard of the heart wrenching pain that they both experienced because they were not able to claim me as their own.  Their pain has been carried through the years of absence and longing for the 'daughter' they once were so close to having.

Once upon a daughter, I was to them...

I slipped through their grasp, their love, their selfless involvement of my well being and safe harbor.  It was never my choice.  I was simply a tool for others to handle and disregard, at times.
An innocent and vulnerable child at the mercy of adults that were too self absorbed to allow a better 'chance' of a decent upbringing.

I cannot change the past.  I cannot play the 'blame' game.  I cannot hold resentment or bitter feelings toward responsible parties.  I simply cannot sit and dwell on what 'could have been' because my life continued.

I struggled, but I continued.

As a mother to three incredibly inspiring daughters, the thought of being robbed of mothering, loving and raising them simply causes a great pang of angst and deep sadness within me.
I can never imagine this as a reality.  

I am compassionate to both my Uncle and Aunt as well as, my mother.

Everyone wanted to do their 'best' by me.  In the end, not one succeeded.
There is nothing wrong with that.  We are human and imperfect.  I'm perfectly okay with this.

I am eternally grateful for the short but loving and sheltering time I spent with my Uncle Julio and Aunt Mary.  They both reside in a special corner of my heart, forever.

I will never truly know how impacting their short lived love and nurturing toward me was seared in my psyche.  The one thing I know for sure is that I think of it often, honor it always, and own it as the time that the little me was allowed to shine and smile and giggle and love to my heart's content without restraints or fear or doubt.

The time I spent with them shaped me in some miraculous way, melded love into my soul and has allowed me to hone in on the mother I always needed and wanted for myself, as I now mother my own incredible daughters.

I love you, Uncle Julio.  I love you, Aunt Mary.  You are my eternal parents.

Thank you for loving the tiny soul in me that made your hearts beat just a little louder each time I giggled.  That time will never be lost because it lives in my heart...forever.