Hello, my name is Ogre Mama!

On most days, my pen is Mama Scribble.  On other days, and this may come as a surprise to you (or not), my appropriate name would be, Ogre Mama, to my kids.

Yes, I too have days (actually many, many days) that I become nothing short of a nose flaring, throat grunting, wide-eyed and teeth-grinding swamp mother that wants to eat her kids.  And, no, not the kind of eating that entails a "you're so cute I can't get enough of your sweetness" kind of way!  Puh-leeze.

No.  

Today is one of THOSE days.  

My girls have come very close to me having to naturally expulse my Diva Cup from the sheer frustration I've been experiencing (yes, the Diva Cup, that soft and brilliant little silicone cup you wear during your menstruation.)  Sorry for the gory description here but I'm really needing to vent.  It could be worse.  By the way and as a side note, the Diva Cup is one of the best modern day 'Aunt Flo' inventions EVER.  Ever.  No joke.

Maybe its my cycle or maybe, just maybe it's the fact that there WILL be days that your kids will drive you insane and simply NOT listen to a word you say, ask OR demand.  Period.

Oh the joys of motherhood...

So today my name is, "Ogre Mama", and I'm totally okay with this.  I'm FAR from perfect, I've made a MILLION mistakes (and counting) and I'm entitled to calling myself an Ogre from time to time (not you, me.)

Motherhood isn't always blissful or pleasant or enjoyable or relaxing or fulfilling or even exciting.  Motherhood is always changing and always surprising and always exhausting and often exasperating and sometimes life sucking and boggling.  Motherhood simply is, well, motherhood.

No.  I don't have my stuff together.

No. My house isn't always clean.

No. My kids don't take baths everyday.

No. My list of "to-do's" rarely get done.

Yes. I have a permanent pile of 'when I get around to it' stuff.

Yes. My laundry gets done when DH says he needs clean underwear.

Yes. My kids eat everyday even if it's 'breakfast' for breakfast, lunch AND dinner.

Yes. I homeschool too.

On most days, I'm Mama.  Here, I'm Mama Scribble.  Some days, I'm Ogre Mama.  Other days I'm still figuring it all out.  What about you?  

Sometimes I feel like a single mom

Image

I put an enormous amount of pressure on myself to be a 'good' mom.  Yesterday I wrote about mom guilt and how I said 'smell ya later' in order to have 'fun' with my girls.  I don't have 'good' mom days 7 days a week.

Here's what I DO have several times a week: Terrible mom days, scary mom days, depressed mom days, overwhelmed mom days, tired mom days, happy mom days, blissful mom days, sad mom days, excited mom days, get 'shit' done mom days, etc.  You get my point.

Here's the thing...life is HARD.  Yes, very, very hard.

Being a parent is wonderful and exhausting... I'm married to a wonderful man that works 12, sometimes 14 hours a day outside of the home.  He's an excellent husband, father, friend AND provider.  I'm eternally grateful for being able to be home with my girls while doing what I love, which is the obvious, writing.  Yet, sometimes, I feel like a 'single' mom.  Yes, a married 'single' mom!

It's my job to feed my girlshubby&dog, scrub the toilets, prepare/cook meals, organize, bookkeep, grocery shop, bathe, wash/fold, drive to activities, etc., etc., etc.  I also work from home and have to keep up with my writing, pitching ideas and strive to slowly contribute my monetary part as well.

Momhood.  Is.  Not.  Easy.  I love my husband and I feel like a 'single' parent.

The predicament is quite interesting and mind boggling.  I know many 'married' moms that feel this way.  I am NOT the only one.

I applaud the 'real' single moms out there and all that they juggle and deal with.  It cannot be easy but they are NOT alone.  We married women feel you!  Compassion is hard to come by.  I feel that all of us moms are in this together.  Married or single.  Being a mom is a job that is overworked and underpaid.

I love my life.  I adore my husband and children.  I love being a mom.  I also struggle with it ALL.

But I'm doing my best.

There are days where my body cannot stand another task even if it means that the girls don't get a bath that day.

My room is messy more days of the week than I'd like it to be.

My floors get mopped once every two or three weeks (I think.)

I'll make the girls breakfast for dinner some days because there was no time to plan a better meal.

A pony tail is much easier to make on their hair than pig-tails or a braid.  

Sometimes I won't shower for two days.  Gross.

I often have five loads of laundry to wash.

My dog smells like a raccoon.

But I keep my toe nails painted, even if it's just the two toes peeking out of a peep toe shoe.

Nevertheless, I'm doing my best...

Mom guilt

I really, really, really hate feeling guilty about most things 'motherhood.'  

Say it with me: 'Mom. Guilt. Sucks.' La, la, la, la, laaaaaaaa, la, la, la, laaaaaaaaa!

So. Over. It.

I often feel torn between house work and time with my girls.  I spend seven out of seven days picking up the house or washing clothes or folding clothes or piling crusty dishes in the sink or blah, blah, blah, blah...

It's the same crap week after week! It is what it is.  This week I decided to ditch all the 'same old housework' for un-guilty time with my girls.  Even if the house stayed messy.  Whatever!

Smell ya later, mom guilt!! Hello three hours at the park on a beautiful day.

This is what I got to enjoy instead.  

Guilt-free moments ♥

Happy faces

THIS is way better than smelly house work

No guilt.

Mamas get depressed but love shines

September 2005 (Sabrina was 20 months old and Luna was 3 days old).  

The look of postpartum depression here... 

In early 2007 I was feeling very depressed.  I had been struggling to keep myself 'together' from the time that my second daughter was born back in 2005.  It was hard.  The biggest challenge for me was having the right support.  I thank my mother in law, Magda, for being the one enormous help (aside from my amazing husband) to me during the first weeks of Luna's life.  I remember the feeling of being suffocated by my own emotions and struggles and inner conflicts.

I wrote this (below) to myself one afternoon.  I remember sitting at my desk top while my two babies napped in their room.  I opened up to myself.  I needed to feel better and wanted to feel validated inside.  This is what came of it.

My personal thoughts about myself…   

 March 22, 2007

'I feel compelled to share this personal view and intimate experience of myself as a mother.  

I am a mother whom tries her hardest to do the very best for my children but there are also many occasions that I drop the ball and experience moments that I would I like to hide away from. I am a wife, a mother, a daughter, a sister and a friend and would not want anything more than to be able to peel the layers of embarrassment, shame and judgment off of myself when I feel that I have let myself down or more so, my children.  

I have highs and lows, happy moments and sad moments, calm moments and angry moments, I am real, and I am a woman.  I was a woman before I became married, I was a woman before I bore my amazing children and I will continue to be a woman.   I try to take in deep breaths and attempt to regain my center within the deepest parts of my core when I feel that I have drifted off.  Women are powerful beings.  Sometimes I feel that my power is lost...

I want to be the very best mother to my daughters but I know that there is no such thing as perfect.  I become angry with myself when I catch a glimpse of the mean mommy who yells at her daughters to get them to cooperate, or ignores their cries to get my attention, or constantly says “just one more minute” when I really mean thirty minutes.  

I beat myself up inside when I cannot be compassionate about the little girl inside of 'me' that wanted her mommy’s attention. Therefore I expect myself to be a wonder mom to my daughters.  I need to care for my 'self' on the inside to be happy on the outside and this is difficult.  Motherhood is a journey to take a look at yourself in ways you never dreamed you would or could.  It scares me.  

I am grateful to be blessed with motherhood.  I carry a pain that sits with me even when I don’t want it around and mothering my daughters forces me to look it straight in the eye and be with it, acknowledge it, and let it go.  Everyday I am given a choice, either to live for tomorrow or live in the now.  I try to live in the now and by doing this I simply enjoy the act of my daughter Sabrina caressing my hair with her gentle touch or feeling Luna’s warm breath on my breast while she nurses and sweetly looks up at me. These small moments lower me back to the ground when I have drifted off and remind me that I am alive.  I am a person with a beating heart and my wounds do not define me.  I am not perfect and I am not a wonder mom but I am a woman and a mother and I do the best that I can and I am okay with that.'

When I read this I'm siphoned back to that very moment of fear and angst and pain and love that motherhood has brought me.  I am reminded to be kind to myself.  I am reminded to love myself even more.  I am reminded to be compassionate, empathetic, grateful and aware of my mothering self.  I am reminded that no matter how daunting a moment can feel like, it will be okay.  Motherhood is not a straight, clear and narrow road.  There are many winding roads, rocks along the way, potholes, debris and stormy weather to overcome.  Motherhood is an opportunity for me to feel through my ever winding emotions and immense love for my daughters.  

Motherhood has given me the gift to heal, to become compassionate and to love the soul that resides in this skin even when there are uneasy moments.  

My sweet baby girls and me on Mother's Day in 2006