Hey now, let your hair down...

Just as I was walking toward the living room with my daily 'hair tools' in hand (2 brushes-one for detangling and the other for smoothing, a spray water bottle, a tube of leave in conditioner and of course, the hair accessories), Sabrina (my eldest) sees me approaching and asks me for the umpteenth time, "Mommy, please just make ONE ponytail, pleeease..."  

Okay, so the hair issue in this household is indeed an 'issue' because let's face it, there is a ton of hair to brush and fix and braid or two and make the best of times THREE.  Three different hair textures, three different hair colors, three different hair styles and three different voices saying, 'Ouchie!', 'Hurry up, Mom!' or 'Can I paint my hair purple today?'  It's quite a sight!  Now mind you, I make it a 'point' to brush their hair out with as much leave in conditioner in order to avoid the complaints that I may be pulling their hair.  Yeah, sure! They STILL complain.  Of course they do!  It's a no win situation for me.   Then comes the Mommy 'guilt trip tone' of, 'Girls, you know MY Mom didn't make gentle brushing of my hair, she would brush my curly hair out DRY, so ZIP it and sit STILL!'  Then follows the lip pouting and the crossing of the arms and the furrowed eyebrows to which I simply leave it at that, oh and maybe a deep inhale in through my already flaring nostrils will finish it off.  So I continue to brush and braid or tie up.    

Now that we're on the hair issue, something quite interesting came about my own Hair Story.  Here goes:

On July 6th I had a conversation with my husband about my state of happiness (for most of my life).  I had written this update on my facebook page that day:

I have more sad days than happy days and not because my life isn't meaningful but rather because life is simply complex and don't think that I have all my things in order because on the outside I'm all dolled up but on the inside I hurt and I struggle with things you could not imagine but I keep on living because the one thing that never fails me is my beating heart and my will to do the best I can... vj

Hubby was concerned and somewhat sad himself that my life had been so difficult to the point that I was numb to what real happiness 'could be.'  But I assured him that he didn't have to worry too much because for so long I had been used to this emotion and I was ok with it.  I gave him a kiss, told him that I loved him and went to bed.  He stayed up and thought...

That night I had the dream:  

I dreamt that I faced my abuser.  I was in a large house with many people, I believe that it was a gathering or party of some kind.  Intuitively, I feel that it was the gathering of my courage, strength and determination and everyone there were my witnesses.  I remember feeling a rush of energy and courage that took over my entire body (very similar to the feeling when you're about to give birth) when I spotted him in the room.  I simply stared at him, stoically.  My eyes followed him around the room but my head did not move.  He looked over and saw me starring at him and with his condescending grin he said, "So this is how you say 'hello' to your Father?"  I immediately mustered up some serious moxie and took heavy, deliberate steps toward him and in my strongest, loudest and matter of fact voice I responded, "You are NOT my Father.  You NEVER were my Father and you NEVER will be.  You're NOT bigger than me.  I have a VOICE and YOU are the one that needs to know that the way you abused me DID NOT break me.  I'm bigger now and my VOICE is STRONGER.  You are FULL of SHAME and GUILT, NOT me."  The cacophony of the room broke and all was silent and all eyes were on him and he shrank.  Then I woke up. 

On July 7th I woke up feeling different.  I felt empowered and determined and ready to change Vanessa.  Later that afternoon I made an appointment to get my hair done.  Then I sent a text message to my hairdresser telling him that I wanted to cut my hair to ear length.  I was going to go from mid back length to ear length.  I told no one that I was going to make a drastic change.  He asked me to come in that same day to get my hair done, I was excited! I walked in the salon ready to change my appearance.  I was ready to do something to cut away anything that was weighing me down and while I didn't realize it at the time, my hair was a symbolic way of me shedding the trapped 'little girl' that was carrying around the burden of the sexual abuse pain.  I had never cut my hair so short but for some mysterious and magical reason, I knew that the shortest length was what I needed.  Camilo (my hairdresser) chopped off the long ponytail I had tied back and I immediately felt a release of some sort.  I had striped that 'girl' away and I had finally become the 'woman' I always knew I was.  Removing my 'girl' hair was pivotal in my 'voicing' my story and feeling this release and change.  I thank my dream for this wisdom, for this opportunity to face my 'fear' and to finally leave behind the suffering child (hair and all) but not her VOICE.   

Cutting my hair off and freeing the trapped child...

A dear friend told me that my new hair has attitude, a bold confidence and a renewed sense to my being.  Thank you, Kamala for helping me channel this insight.  I feel changed and forever empowered.  

Hair carries a symbolic meaning in my life.  Hair is the representation of who you are.  Your hair is what you carry around and show off to the world and in some interesting way your hair carries a story, be it positive or negative or whatever it means to you.  

My hair has power.  My hair gives me a sense of grounded self and a notion of something bigger than me.  I love my hair and I hope you love yours too because at the end of the day when you let your hair down (or not), it is a part of you and what you feel inside that makes it beautiful.  


Openly,
Vanessa~


Forget not that the earth delights to feel your bare feet and the winds long to play with your hair.- 
Kahlil Gibran~