My diagnosis called for me to have a cone biopsy which is where they permanently remove, by laser surgery (in my case), a 'cone' shaped portion of your cervix (ouch!). So on June 14, 2001, the cone biopsy was performed. It was an out-patient ordeal. But the experience of this was devastating to my womanhood and even more so to my reproductive system. I felt ashamed and scarred by the fact that a piece of my organ (cervix) was taken from me, forever. I felt like a failure...
I was later told by the Gynocologist that I would 'be unable to carry a baby to term 'if' I ever conceived. And 'if' I did conceive then I'd have an 'incompetent cervix.' 'Gee thanks doc! You took my cervix and now I'm a failure to fertility' is what I wanted to say to him. He instilled zero confidence in my ability to carry a baby to term therefore, squashing any of my future wishes to have a baby. What an ass!
In June of 2002, just 4 months after meeting who would later become my darling husband, I became pregnant. I had never been pregnant before and the fact that I was un-married (but planning to be) was a complete flop to my list of priorities. I was not happy. I was terrified! Stunned and confused, I knew that continuing with the pregnancy was my only option. Period.
What followed next was something I never expected or even considered. I found out about my 'surprise' pregnancy on June 28th and on July 1st I had a sudden and painful miscarriage. I was about 5 weeks pregnant. The experience of a pregnancy loss is difficult no matter how early the stage. While I was going through the miscarriage I thought I'd be fine and simply be able to move on. No, I was wrong. So very wrong.
It was a terrible feeling to 'lose' something like this. I had never bereaved this way before. The loss was raw and painful and present with my emotional, physical and spiritual self. I was curled up like a shrimp on my bathroom floor clutching my abdomen from the pain and discomfort of the miscarriage. My body was expelling something that was not 'viable' and I had to allow for my body to do what it needed to. It all happened fast, under an hour. I bled what seemed like a medium to lite cycle. I was confused and lost and empty. I had no idea what to think or not to think but I knew that something terrible had happened to me. I literally had a bowel movement during the entire episode and yes, my husband (then boyfriend), scooped it up and witness the entire miscarriage. There was no room for embarrassment at that moment. Cold sweats, low blood pressure and a pregnancy loss. We were forever changed.
Thankfully, I went on to have 3 successful pregnancies and births after the miscarriage. No major issues or hiccups. Well, the first baby came five and a half weeks ahead of schedule but she was perfectly healthy and strong, just as she is. I had no issues with my cervix and my body was able to do what it needed to carry each baby to their desired gestation. Infertility was not my issue but when it is, I feel for those women and couples.
The statistics show that 10 to 15% of couples in the US are infertile. That equates to 1 in 8 people. There is a stigma associated with infertility and I feel that there should not be. Awareness needs to be brought to light and compassion needs to be shown to these women or couples. I imagine a feeling of inadequacy from women who cannot conceive or carry a pregnancy. There is also the added emotion from infertile women of a resentment toward the women who can invariably conceive 'naturally.' For some people it takes years to successfully conceive through IVF. In any case, the emotional struggles are endless.
This topic also brings to light the age of the women having to opt for this when adoption is their last resort (or not). Each failed attempt means more emotional struggle, more money and potentially another birthday or two or three or four. If she started her 'hopeful pregnancy' journey after the age of 35 then the advanced 'maternal age' comes into play. Babble recently posted an article on maternal age and pregnancy. The article touched on 'should there be a cut off to a mother's age' when wanting to conceive?
As a woman who conceived naturally and without any issues, I cannot image the idea of placing a 'cut off' age for a woman wanting to become a mother. A woman's age at the time of her conceiving or gestating is personal and I feel that the stigma placed on 'older moms' needs to disappear. It's devastating enough to deal with ones sense of inadequacy and/or 'failed fertility' when it's evident. Until a person has experienced either a pregnancy loss or many failed attempts at conceiving, be it naturally or with the help of science, then they will understand that infertility is a huge issue and one that merits compassion, empathy and love.
Here's to the two women in my life that had 'assisted' conception and were successful on their FIRST attempt of IVF. A true miracle! Both are sisters and each have an extraordinary conception and pregnancy journey. Without the advances in treatments they would not be the wonderful mothers they are today. I love you both very much... My heart goes out to the many women and couples struggling to become mothers or parents today.
