Illustration courtesy my Sabrina ♥
This Thanksgiving I decided to disengage rather than engage with the stress and chaos of extended family. It's NOT that I'm not thankful or mean or a heartless
My decision to be recluse about my involvement with extended family stemmed from many factors but mainly from my needing some 'breathing room' from it ALL. I was sincerely 'thankful' during this time. I was able to reflect on the things that mattered most and less on the things that brought me heartache, sadness or ill feelings (yes, I do feel all of these emotions OFTEN but my outlook is positive.) Instead, I surrounded myself with the four most important people in my life, my husband and three incredible daughters. We invited one guest to partake in our dinner as well. It was perfect in every way...
Earlier in the week a person I love very, very much asked me how my Thanksgiving preparations were coming along. It was all through text message. This was the exchange (more or less):
She: So how's your turkey coming along?
Me: Ha! No preparation here. No frills for me this year. Keeping it simple.
She: Wow, guess it's too much work...
I'm surprised you're not creating warm memories of crazy but fun and memorable thanksgiving celebrations for the girls. You know, the kind we used to have?
Me: Oh I'm doing that alright! Just without the extra people. Just us, simple and fun.
I gathered that she didn't understand the 'why' behind my wanting to stay away from large crowds or perhaps she hoped for a different approach on my part. I gathered that she 'secretly' wanted me to join her Thanksgiving dinner but knew that I wouldn't oblige her. Why did she think that I 'wouldn't be' creating memories for my girls? I was struck but let it go because I believe that she hadn't expressed herself clearly. Her intentions were actually wanting to be around the girls and I. I know this. I also know that she was probably hurting deep down inside. Hurting for the loss of contact and engagement on my part. Her pride gets the best of her, she's expressed this to me before. My decision to stay away did not sit well. I know her and how she ruminates about issues and how she doesn't 'say' things. I know all this because I've shared the deepest of moments and conversations with her. I love her, still... It hurts, still...
Days later, I learned that her house was saturated with people (maybe about 40 to 50) and the person whom shared this information with me mentioned how overwhelmed they were with the entire experience. They even mentioned how they needed to take a walk to get away from it all. And THAT was exactly what I didn't want to feel during this 'thankful' season. My emotions are much too shaky to handle this sort of chaos.
I know how difficult it is to try and appease 'important' guests when your attention is elsewhere. You can't. I've been there. Done that. It's not fulfilling or fun. I'm sure she was thankful for all the people that came to gather with her in her home, all the ways that they sought her out and the fact that she feels that she's 'adopted' people from different walks of life. I get it. She loves this. She was deeply thankful, I'm sure of it. I wonder, was she happy? I mean, deeply, deeply happy? I don't know? I know that there was a piece of her heart missing. Me. My girls too.
Illustration courtesy my Sabrina ♥
I thought about all the emotions that she may have been feeling. I thought about my own. I sat with them, looked at them, mourned them and was also thankful for it all. I was thankful for the wonderful memories she and I have made. I was thankful for the kindred spirits that we are. I was thankful for allowing myself to love her no matter our differences and struggles. I was thankful for HER even if I was not sharing a 'thankful' dinner alongside of her. I wanted to feel appreciated, needed, loved and authentically involved with the people I was surrounded with. I'd be a hypocrite if I didn't tell you that I too was missing a piece of my heart. Her. The laughter, the stories, the jokes, the silliness, the tears and nostalgia. Old feelings but familiar all at once. She was the one positive constant in my otherwise negative and variable childhood and for this I am forever thankful. Today I'm missing that close contact with her. Different but missing it...
I did feel appreciated, needed and loved in a completely different light. In my own little circle of love. I felt all of that right here with my little family and one guest. It was nice. It was quiet and relaxing. I soaked in every ounce of it.
Family portrait
Illustration courtesy my Luna ♥
I reflected upon my inner thoughts during my Thanksgiving dinner and I was deeply, deeply thankful and happy even with a missing piece of my heart...
*To that very, very special person I speak of, I love you and miss you beyond my ability to articulate it here with the entire world. Authentically, me.
*To that very, very special person I speak of, I love you and miss you beyond my ability to articulate it here with the entire world. Authentically, me.
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