The Great Abyss: Parenthood

My older daughter gets frustrated and irritable about small things.  She's passionate, sassy, creative, sensitive, insightful and impatient.  Nevertheless, I love all this about her.  She's authentic with her emotions and how she displays them.  She's a kid and kids are raw and open.

As her mother I often find myself teetering on the ability to completely understand her or simply being emotionally exhausted by her.  She physically looks like her handsome father but she's a whole lot like me in her personality.  I too am passionate, sassy, creative, sensitive, insightful and impatient (go figure!)

The other day, while she was having a major meltdown, I 'patiently' watched her and took in every ounce of her irritability, frustration and exasperating tantrum.  Sometimes I want to have tantrums like the way she was displaying—stomping her feet (hard), furrowed eyebrows and pursed lips, flailing her arms and all of the body language of an 'I'm really, really not happy right now' person.  I on the other hand HAVE to be an adult about how I carry myself.  Period. I know, it sucks right?!

Instead I tried to reason with her.  I spoke to her in an unaggressive and non-judgmental tone.  Although, inside I felt lost and unable to appease her in general.  She kept on repeating how she didn't like that I got angry at her.  I then reminded her that I had immediately apologized when I realized that I had indeed 'overreacted' but she didn't care about my apology, she was stuck on the fact that I 'got angry.'

'Sabrina, what can I do to help this situation?' I asked her.

'I'm mad.' She said.

'I know.  I can see that.  I'm sorry.' I said.

'I don't like when you get mad.  I hate it.' She said.  Her arms tightly crossed across her chest.

I looked at her little face, admired her genuine expression even while in her state of 'angry' and reminded myself that I too was a child that felt this way more often than not.  The only difference was that my mother didn't take the time to understand the 'why' behind my tantrum.  I got REAL with her.  It was all I could do.

'Sabrina...Mommy doesn't always have all the answers.' I said to her.  Her eyes became soft and engaging and she was all of a sudden absorbed in what I had to say to her.

'I don't always know what I'm doing but you know what I know for sure?

'What?'  She asked.

'That I love you more than you'll ever know.'  I said.

Her blue eyes were fixed on mine and she threw her little arms around my neck,  'I love you, mama.'

Parenting is daunting and exciting.  I don't know what I'm doing a huge percent of the time but I have to trust that when I'm completely raw with my children that they'll understand me as I try my very best to understand them.  I'm okay with feeling lost half of the time because I know that at some point I'll find my way.  In the meantime, I just have to keep swimming in the great abyss of parenthood.