2011: I reflect

The end of this year is quickly approaching (22 days to be exact.)  Once again, I find myself remembering the moments and episodes in my life that have made an impact during this year.

2011 represents a powerful year so far.

For me, the number eleven stands like two pillars of strength, hope, determination and great accomplishments.  A year of incredible gifts and love...

Of all the changes that have evolved within me, the most powerful one of was 'voicing' my silence of sexual abuse.  This one act took courage and my need to begin my healing journey.  Interestingly, several months before this life changing moment took place, I discovered my voice as a writer through drafting my first novel as my Master's Thesis.  Soon there after, I was published on Babble.  Ecstatic cannot describe the feeling.  

I continue to reflect.

I reflect on the moments I was too hard on myself or the moments I needed to push a little harder to rise up to the next step or the times I felt that I could no longer cope with certain inalienable truths.

I reflect on the simple pleasures I experienced alongside my loving husband, curled up next to him on the couch watching a film or making dirty martini's in our kitchen, barefoot, half dressed and listening to The Rolling Stones.  Mundane and momentous moments...

I reflect on my incredible daughters and the lessons they have taught me.  The way they love me, treasure me and 'see' me for what I am and not for what has ever 'happened' to me.  They reward me with comments like, 'Mommy, it's okay to make mistakes' (Luna-6) or 'Mommy, you're the best even if you think you are not...' (Sabrina-7) and 'Mommy, I 'lub' you 'sho' much!' (Kalina-3)

I reflect on the moments that counted as my moments of arrival and growth.  Much growth has germinated within me.

This year has brought forth a different me.  A 'me' I never knew could live in this skin.  This has been the year I stopped shrinking.

For once, I've doubted less and less and I've embraced more each time.  

I started sprouting and growing and becoming braver and compassionate.  I am garnished in love and awareness for the mundane.

I like the 'her' I see.  Actually, I love 'her.'  This 'me' that bewilders and amazes my senses is the person I've been trying to understand and have allowed her to finally blossom.

I've arrived.

There was a time when all I could see was mud all around me.  No water.  No clarity.  No renewal.  

But I now know this...

Where there is mud there is water and the water that I have discovered and cleansed the mud away with has restored and nurtured what I thought was missing forever.

My 'self.'