Embrace idiosyncrasies

I prefer blue ink over black ink and I don't particularly like the tip of my pen to be bold, it makes for fat blotchy writing, which doesn't look graceful so I stick with a fine tip.  I tend to clean cooking utensils as I work along in order to have less to clean when I'm completely done cooking and I don't use the same soap sponge for more than two weeks, it's gross.  I can't brush my teeth with the toilet bowl open because I don't want to see the toilet water,  it's weird, I know.  I'm right handed but cut my food with my left hand.  In essence, we all have some kind of strange behavior that makes us unique.  Just as we've noticed all the ways that we are unique, so are our children.  It really doesn't matter if you have two, three or five children, and you believe that you've raised (or are raising) them all the same way, they will inevitably be very different.  We may think that we raise our children in the same light but we don't.  One child could be tenacious and controlling while the next one is easy going and uncomplicated and whether we realize it or not, we've embraced their natural demeanor and tailored ourselves as a parent to fit that child.  We cannot possibly be a one size fits all kind of parent.  It doesn't work that way.  It's okay to be flexible with the needs of your child because in the end, that child will embrace your uniqueness to them as their parent.

My eldest daughter is very impatient and somewhat bossy so when she asks me that she wants this or that "immediately mommy", I explain to her that I'm aware of her immediate need for whatever it is that she wants and I 'ask' her if she can allow me some time to fulfill it. Of course, now she is 6 years old.  When I include her in the 'decision process' she honors my need for 'time and space' and agrees or compromises because I've treated her with the same respect that I would like she treat me with.  She feels heard and important.  She is learning to reciprocate what she experiences through 'respect' and 'consideration' toward others.  Now some battles don't always pan out so easily but we do what we can to be respectable loving parents.

Now my second daughter is the easy going child, the one that melds herself with whatever is happening around her.  She also tends to be less expressive with her needs so I have to ensure that she doesn't go unheard (her being the middle child and all).  I then have to make certain that she's aware that she 'can' ask me anything she needs by me prompting her with small questions that will not invade her slow to initiate mode.  By me giving her 'options' and allowing her to 'choose' what she needs at the moment, she gains 'confidence' that I will meet whatever it is that she's had a difficult time asking for.  Some children don't have the natural ability to be assertive but it can very well be nurtured in them.

My third daughter is still very young but has let her disposition be known bits at a time.  We've learned that no matter how difficult a moment may seem, there is always room for a full belly laugh.  This little spirit is the one who has instilled more 'compassion' and less judgment toward myself as a mom.  I've smiled more at my mistakes, let go more of the times that I couldn't possibly do more to appease and have simply embraced all the ways that she makes me sillier.  It's refreshing to allow your children to 'teach you' rather than you always teaching them.

One can read all the books available on parenting and how to deal with 'this or that' when it comes to children but the one thing that no book can ever teach you is how to become aware of your child's individual uniqueness that they innately come with.  Just as we all have some or many idiosyncrasies, so do our children and only we can embrace the way they come to us.  No book can tell you how to do it.  All of your wisdom to parent 'your' child is within you.  Listen, honor and share it with your child.  When we allow ourselves to do this, we learn something new and our children learn to embrace our idiosyncrasies as well.  No instructions needed, just an intuitive ear.

The Power of One

In this life we all have a purpose.  For some it may be helping children or making a difference in an elderly person’s life.  There are others that find comfort in knitting hats for those that have undergone chemotherapy or maybe even offering a place of solace for people who have recovered from a traumatic experience.  Whatever the purpose is for some people, the reasons are infinite and the rewards are greater than they could have ever imagined.  I had the pleasure of attending a wonderful gathering of spectacular mothers professional women.  A very dear person in my life coordinated and hosted this event and every single time we come together in this way, it’s always a breath of fresh air for most of us who attend.  We’re able to connect on a level that we don’t often times get to do on a weekly or monthly basis.  We’re able to share our most cherished moments and concerns with one another, be it professionally or maternally.  None of this could have happened had it not been for one person who willed it into being.  All it takes is the will and desire of one person to bring things together, people together or simply have such a vision for a communal need for like minded individuals to be together in one room.  When we put our minds to doing, accomplishing or setting a momentum with something, ‘anything’ in our lives, we start to see the rewards and benefits from it whether we realize it or not.  All of our actions will have some effect on our lives and/or the lives of others at some point.  We are all, in the end, connected on a larger scale.  What we ‘choose’ on a day to day basis will impact someone or something be in now or in the future, guaranteed.  The way we mother or parent our children will inevitably be seared in the mind of our child and for whatever reason, whatever we chose or not, at some point, it will always find it’s way back to remind us what we initially put in motion.  It starts with one person.  One idea.  One decision.  As mothers, we decide on so many things as whole when it comes to our children.  We do the very best that we can and hope that whatever we choose, it will benefit something in our children’s lives.  Choosing to be present with your child when they ask to show you something creates a lasting impression on them.  Choosing to listen to them when they are upset creates an open line of communication with your child.  Choosing to hold them even when you ‘think’ you need to be doing something else, like paying bills or picking up the house, creates the knowing that no matter what is happening around you, you will be there for them.  It all starts with that one choice.  So when one person chooses whatever it is that is vital in their lives, it creates momentum and a lasting impression on those around them and more.  This is the power of one.   

Sleepytime...

While talking with a dear friend of mine the other day she mentioned how she’s ‘failed to be a good parent about night time routines.’ It got me thinking of how society puts all these unrealistic pressures on parents to do things a ‘certain’ way or not. As a mother, I not only think of what is best but I also like to ‘feel’, you know, go with my gut, for what is best for my child. To be specific, I am a co-sleeping parent. What does that mean? I choose to have my baby sleep with me in my bed. Why? Because by doing this, we all actually get to sleep. I don’t want to be up struggling and trying to get my baby to go to sleep ‘alone’ because society says that you “should.” Does society know my own child better than I do? No way! I’m also someone who doesn’t believe that babies can be spoiled. The entire animal kingdom sleeps with their young. This is what we are meant to do also. There are so many other instances where societal influences actually force the parent to not honor what is best for their particular child. Children are not born with a “one size fits all” tag. What may work for one child just may not work for another especially when your child is letting you know what she or he wants or rather, needs from you as their parent. Fitting in with society doesn’t necessarily mean that you need to neglect your child(s) needs. This is a classic way to rear children that lose touch with their inner voice and learn to ‘not trust’. As parents, we must instill in our children that their needs are first and foremost in our loving and raising them, no matter what society or the neighbors may think. In the end, our children will not care about whether we fit into ‘societal norms’ but they will remember how we chose to parent and honor their needs as our children. Being a loving, present and willing parent is all they need. They’re only but little for a short time…

Horton Hears *Wisdom

Parenting should be listed in the Webster's Dictionary with a footnote that reads, *Prepare to be amazed!*. I always find it so refreshing to hear and witness the wisdom that our children bring to our lives. The other day I was chatting with a good friend and she was sharing a brief conversational exchange that she and her eldest child had. My friend was doing the usual household chore of folding clean clothes. She is a mother of three (ages 7, 2 and 4 months). Her daughter of age 7 walks into the room and asks her, "Mom, don't you hear that my baby brother is crying?", My friend responds, "Yeah, I do" and her daughter comes back with "Well, I think you should go pick him up because he's more important than what you're doing right now". As my friend is sharing this story with me, I smile and think how very connected and aware children really are when we don't allow adults, media or other sources of disconnect to interfere with their natural state of 'in the moment'. A seven year old little girl was able to 'know' that mundane chores or less pertinent tasks did not trump the fact that her infant sibling needed his mother.

The problem here is that we adults get caught up in the everyday 'rat race' of doing more than we can manage at the expense of brushing our children's needs aside (even if its for 5 minutes). Those five minutes could have been a moment of discovery to your child, or an instant second of a new thought that occurred to them, or a simple "I wanted to say, I love you", or "can you give me a hug?", or "I simply want to be held now". Every moment has a genuine opportunity for us to be 'in the moment' with our children. At times we allow our 'authority' to over shadow the true wisdom and insights our children bring to our lives. The classic 'because I said so" inevitably crushes their spirit and opens up other ways for them to snatch our attention. And not necessarily in positive ways for them to attain it. We forget that our children have great ideas, look at the world differently, view our actions with a different veil, and can ultimately bring us closer to the 'now' and less from a 'wandering' mind. Their voice matters and as parents, the best attention that we can give them is acknowledging their thoughts and opinions. We like to be heard. So do they. We love to share thoughts. So do they. We love to have our own opinions. So do they.

The most insightful children's story that shares this message is our beloved Dr. Seuss', "Horton Hears a Who". It's a great story for the entire family and a wonderful way to explain to our children that everyone has a voice, everyone matters and that we all have to respect one another in order to be respected. Our children will model who we are. If they are bullied, they will in turn, bully others. If they are disrespected, they will in turn, disrespect others. If their voice isn't heard, they will in turn, ignore the important aspects of their lives by shutting out the voices that do matter, including their own. If we impart compassion, they will be compassionate. If we stop to listen, they will stop to listen to us. So, at the end of the day we must remember that our children carry wisdom that can shed some light on our lives because as Horton stated, "a person's a person, no matter how small".