Savoring her toddlerhood

I know how quickly this time passes. 

Toddlerhood.  

I know it because I've been here twice before.  

I'm doing all that I can to savor each moment of it right now...

She is my youngest and I want to remember all of the 

mundane moments of her toddlerhood because her little self has simply sped by me... 

She didn't ask me to hold her.  She had fallen asleep in the car.  I felt like I needed to hold her because if I didn't I'd later agonize over not holding her enough once she gets too big.  

The things we mothers think about.  

It can drive us nuts but we do our best.  

I studied her face like that of a treasure map.  

Every crease on her eyelid, her translucent skin,
every single peach fuzz hair on her upper lip and cheeks.  

Her lips get dried like mine... she'll always need to wear moisturizer.

Her eyelashes are outrageous and perfect.
She may be able to do without mascara.  Lucky.

Sometimes her lips twitched in the sweetest way.  I don't want to ever forget this. 

How can this tiny being sprout so fast? 

Time is a thief but I'm stealing these moments for myself.  

She woke up at one point and said, "I'm not tired." 

Sometimes I wonder if she'll ever know how much she moves me to calmness. 

Kalina, you move me to calmness, sweet child... You've given me patience.

Her eyebrows look as if a meticulous artist painted
the canvas of her face with gentle strokes and deliberate precision.  

When she noticed that her mama was cradling her closely, 

she gently shut her bright blue eyes again and sunk her little face into my chest.  

Her breathing matched mine and her warmth made me not want this moment to end.

Savoring these moments... 

Toddlerhood is love and exhaustion but undoubtedly worth every ounce of it. 

I sat with her in my arms as she napped.  

I held her close and froze these images in my memory 

and seared the deep emotion in my heart 

that accompanied this quiet and peaceful moment with her.   

I love you my sweet flower, Kalina...

Kind

I remember the very first time I was kind to another person.  It was in first grade.  There was a little girl, somewhat quiet with jet black shiny straight hair and skin that was a walnut color.  One day, she was by herself at recess and I walked up to her and asked her what her name was and she responded, "Ubania."
(Pronounced- Oo-bah-nee-ya)

She had a thick hispanic accent.

I had never heard such a name.  I asked her where she was from and she said, "Honduras."  Ubania was kind to me and we instantly became friends.  I liked Ubania because she was different and I had always felt different, not because she and I looked alike but because I never felt that I fit in with other kids, kind of like she did.  I was quiet and to myself and always observing others, I guess the little writer in me was working at a young age. Ubania was shy and insecure of how she 'sounded' but I never made her feel like she needed to try too hard.  
I got Ubania and she got me and that was all that mattered.

One day, Ubania came to school with sliced green mangos sprinkled with salt in a zip lock sandwich bag.  She offered me one and I instantly loved it.  This made her happy, I remember.
"This is what we eat in my country!" she told me excitedly.

Every time Ubania smiled, her gums would expose themselves in a way that they always looked like the color of an eggplant against her stark white teeth.  Her hair... her hair was amazing.  Long to her waist, jet black (almost navy blue like) and incredibly shiny. I loved her hair and told her often.  She'd always say, "thank you."

But this isn't so much about Ubania as it is about being kind.  The kindness experienced was so subtle but still, I remember it so vividly.

Kindness is a simple act.  One that takes little effort but that is felt profoundly.  I believe that when you are kind to others, that same energy reciprocates itself back to you, somehow.

When you love yourself, you will be kind to yourself and others.  When you appreciate small things, you will notice the littlest forms of kindness and you'll be glad you did because they'll make you smile.

  Kind is letting a bunny sleep in your arms...

Kind are two animals co-habitating in harmony...

Kind is spotting a tiny ladybug and allowing it to live in peace...

Kind is holding my dog's paw...

Kind is my daughter creating a simple painting and gifting it to her cousin on his birthday...

Kind is a loved one holding my child's hand and making her feel secure... 

I often remind my daughters that no matter what, it is always important to be kind to themselves and to others because kindness begins with you and me...

The world needs more kind hearts...

Sitting in a tree

The girls and I were driving around doing some errands today.  We had just dropped Kalina off at her pre-school skills class at Gymboree.

Sabrina and Luna were singing their own song in the back seat.  It was a change from Adele's 21 album (they know all the songs and love the entire album.)

The day was gorgeous and sunny and crisp and the sound of their little voices in the background made it easier for me to deal with the our typical city traffic.  Always a drag to go out and drive. Ugh.

They were stuck on that playground 'Kissing' song that most people I know surely knows, "Boy and girl, sitting in a tree, Kay-Eye-Ess-Ess-Eye-En-Gee, first comes love, then comes marriage..." 
Yeah, that one!    

It was funny to hear them in the back carrying on because each time they got to the very end of the song, "Then comes the baby in the baby carriage", the cackling was loud and contagious!

They'd add their own names with a boy they 'like' and laugh even harder at the prospect of 'love and kissing and a baby!"

Of course, they later sang the song adding in their father's and my name.  I found it sweet and cute and quite funny.  My eldest made it clear that the song was right on for her dad and I.  

"Just like the song says, Mama! That's just how it happened right?!" Sabrina exclaimed.

"Yes, seems about right. After the love and marriage, first came you, then Luna and then Kalina.
Not that simply but yes, pretty much..." I added.  

They continued enjoying their silly laughter and added other names to their tune for the fun of it all.

Their laughter allowed me to savor the moment.  I didn't even think about the traffic!
Splotches of sunlight peeked in through parts of the tree canopy (we live in a lush part of town with large oak and ficus trees) and the ride was even more refreshing.

The song may have been silly but the singing was wonderful and it reminded me that childhood is indeed a magical time and no matter how silly a game or a song may be, the laughter accompanying it trumps all unpleasantries, traffic and all.

I also saw the confidence they have about the love that their parents have for one another.
This was special to me.  I never felt this as a child but I'm surely grateful that I can give this to my children.

It was sweet and cute and perfect... made me just want to go sit in a tree.

When the mundane grounds you...

It was a spur of the moment kind of outing. The day was gorgeous and the girls were adventurous.

I wasn't feeling too spritely but I went with it... for the sake of the girls. 

Too much crap in my head and too little time to sort though 'some' of it. 

The beach just seemed like a positive choice in spite of my blah-ness. 

While the older two frolicked in the water, my little one stayed close to me.  

She didn't care too much about water play plus the warm sun felt nice on our backs.  

She hated the sand. "Yucky sand, mama!" she said.

I sat back and watched and captured the tiny moments that sometimes escape us.  

Beads of sand tucking themselves between tiny fingers.  The thought made me smile. 

A small moment that made me happy.  

I offered her raspberries.    

The delight on her face reminded me of how lucky I am to be her mother.

Depression isn't always a 'pretty' word because 

the stigma that attaches itself to it seems bigger than the issue itself.  It is what it is.  

There are good days, bad days, awful days, slow days, 

happy days and seemingly normal days. 

It is what it is.  

The sand on their toes made them giggle. The wind in their faces made them glow even more.  

The sight of all this was medicine to my soul.  

The wonder of their childhood brings me peace and allows me to heal in strange ways.  

Sometimes the healing hurts even more than the memory 

but other times it exhales this sort of relief that I cannot articulate.  

Do you follow? 

The connection of sisters.  They will have each other, always.  

I can only wish that no matter what they may experience in their lifetime 

that they'll always turn to each other and hold one another up 

with love and appreciation for the simple fact that they are sisters.  

In my heart, I am an only child but I have cultivated parts of me through others that care.

She made herself a sand scrub for her legs.  I thought this clever and resourceful of her. 

I love that smile... 

I don't know what she's thinking but I'm thinking that there is no other place I'd rather be than right here with them soaking up the sun and being free and breathing easily.  

Each day I'm handed a gift to breathe and be in this life.  

My daughter was handing me her miniature shells she had just combed from the shoreline.  

The simple joy of something so mundane grounded me, once again.  

Many times I float away and get carried off in thoughts that sometimes consume my being 

and don't allow me to treasure these small moments.  These are the moments that count.  

These are the moments that remind me that no matter what is ruminating in my overactive mind, 

there is peace and magic and solace in the mundane.  

I may get caught up in my own troubles and roller coaster highs and lows 

but I don't want to ever lose sight of this.  

This life.  This moment.  This gift.  This time.  

I am always grateful for this chance to be peace and love and wonder 

at the very edge of the earth, with my daughters. 

Strawberry fields

The simplest of things, like picking strawberries, can make you feel so alive.

There is something about being that connected with the earth...

You lose yourself in the moment.  You don't care about the small stuff.  You just are...

A plump, red and ripe little fruit can make you wonder how amazing the small gestures of nature really are.  We are simply a tiny speck compared to the grandeur of it all.  

A speck, like the tiny seeds on a single strawberry.

Moments that come and go.  Experiences that shape us.  A frozen snapshot in time.

Laughter comes easily when you haven't a care in the world and 

when you're allowed to be simple and free. 

Memories flood the pathways of a nippy strawberry field.  

I remember a time when I thought things couldn't get any worse but then they got better.  

I believed it.  I willed it.  I made it.  

I can have strawberry fields forever...

Hello, my name is Ogre Mama!

On most days, my pen is Mama Scribble.  On other days, and this may come as a surprise to you (or not), my appropriate name would be, Ogre Mama, to my kids.

Yes, I too have days (actually many, many days) that I become nothing short of a nose flaring, throat grunting, wide-eyed and teeth-grinding swamp mother that wants to eat her kids.  And, no, not the kind of eating that entails a "you're so cute I can't get enough of your sweetness" kind of way!  Puh-leeze.

No.  

Today is one of THOSE days.  

My girls have come very close to me having to naturally expulse my Diva Cup from the sheer frustration I've been experiencing (yes, the Diva Cup, that soft and brilliant little silicone cup you wear during your menstruation.)  Sorry for the gory description here but I'm really needing to vent.  It could be worse.  By the way and as a side note, the Diva Cup is one of the best modern day 'Aunt Flo' inventions EVER.  Ever.  No joke.

Maybe its my cycle or maybe, just maybe it's the fact that there WILL be days that your kids will drive you insane and simply NOT listen to a word you say, ask OR demand.  Period.

Oh the joys of motherhood...

So today my name is, "Ogre Mama", and I'm totally okay with this.  I'm FAR from perfect, I've made a MILLION mistakes (and counting) and I'm entitled to calling myself an Ogre from time to time (not you, me.)

Motherhood isn't always blissful or pleasant or enjoyable or relaxing or fulfilling or even exciting.  Motherhood is always changing and always surprising and always exhausting and often exasperating and sometimes life sucking and boggling.  Motherhood simply is, well, motherhood.

No.  I don't have my stuff together.

No. My house isn't always clean.

No. My kids don't take baths everyday.

No. My list of "to-do's" rarely get done.

Yes. I have a permanent pile of 'when I get around to it' stuff.

Yes. My laundry gets done when DH says he needs clean underwear.

Yes. My kids eat everyday even if it's 'breakfast' for breakfast, lunch AND dinner.

Yes. I homeschool too.

On most days, I'm Mama.  Here, I'm Mama Scribble.  Some days, I'm Ogre Mama.  Other days I'm still figuring it all out.  What about you?  

Baby naming: What's in a name?

Choosing a name for a baby is an incredibly special time for an expecting mother or couple.

I remember feeling passionate and in love with the names we chose for our daughters.

Names are given with love and affection and almost always with a reason for that given name.  

There is always a story to be told behind a name.

Here is my story of how we came to name our three sweet daughters.

First Daughter: 

I knew exactly what I would name my first born daughter before she was even conceived.  I told my husband the day I had decided it.  It was after watching Audrey Hepburn's 1954 film, Sabrina.

"It's a beautiful name." Darling husband remarked.  After watching the film, I fell in love with the character Sabrina. Her charm and elegance and her well-rounded culture simply fascinated me.

I imagined one day for my own daughter to possess these qualities.  So there were no questions about it, our Sabrina got her name from a screen actress.

Sabrina is of Celtic origin.  I've seen many meanings to her name, two of which are 'princess'

and 'boundary line.'  I also found it to potentially have an Arabic origin meaning 'patience.'

Her middle name, Isabella, is of Italian origin meaning 'God is my oath.'

Isabella also derives from the Monarch of Spain , which was also the person responsible for financing Christopher Columbus' voyage to the 'New World' in 1492.

Sabrina's name holds all the wonder and fascination I imagined for her.  Her name is a gem in my soul. She is highly right-brained and holds a vision for beauty, sophistication and expression through the arts.  She's always figuring out a way to design or create something out of anything.  She looks at nature as her living canvas and appreciates all of its wonder and beauty.    

~Sabrina Isabella~ 

Royalty, charm and elegance... A born artist. 

Image via Google

Second Daughter:

When we were expecting our second daughter (but didn't know it because we wanted the gender to be a surprise), I was having a difficult time choosing a girl name.  We had already chosen a boy name but the girl name was no where to be decided.  I was 8 months pregnant and still no 'potential' girl name.

It was a muggy and rainy afternoon in early August and I had been breaking my head over a few potential girl names but none of them 'spoke' to me.  They didn't sound like 'her' if she was indeed a girl.  All along, I hoped she was a girl.

We were driving around looking for parking because my husband was going to buy some tea at Starbucks.  He gave up on finding parking and decided to stay on the curb but before he got out of the car he turned to me and stared at me for a few seconds and uttered, "What about Luna Mia?" I'll never forget the relief and joy I felt when I heard it.  I said, "THAT'S it! That's 'her' name!"

Darling husband was shocked at my instant approval of the name.  "Really?!" He said.  I absolutely loved the name and felt it in my womb that it was 'her' name.  There are some things that you just know.  So when our Luna was born, the name suited her just perfectly.  She was born in the wee hours of the night so she already embodied her namesake.  Luna Mia means 'My Moon' in Italian.

It always warms my heart to know that my loving husband named his second born daughter.  All I did was approve of his choice.

For me, Luna's name symbolizes simple beauty as well as, a mysterious but magical quality to it.  Her name also somehow reminds me of the beautiful dragonfly I so love.  Luna is always making up lyrics and makes up her own melodies.  She's a little songbird that is attracted to most things musical.  There's always a song in her head.  She has a natural inclination to play instruments like the piano and does so with ease and enthusiasm.  Music flows through her soul.     

~Luna Mia~

Beauty, mystery and magic... A true alchemist. 

Image via Facebook

Third Daughter: 

With my last pregnancy, we had decided to learn the gender of the baby well in advance.  Being that we'd have a third daughter, it didn't take too long for us to come up with a name for her.  Still, we spent many months deciding on a suitable name for baby girl number three.  

I knew that no matter what I wanted a french name either as her first or middle name.  I love french names.  I also knew that I wanted one of her names to start with the letter 'K' (don't ask me why, I just love the look of that letter.)  

There were a few names in the running.  Some sounded too ordinary while others sounded too ethnic or old lady like.  It didn't matter too much to me to name her after any dead relatives either.  Plus, my sweet paternal grandmother's name was very pretty but way too overused nowadays (Gabriella.)  

I was looking along the lines of unique and beautiful.

After much deliberation and interchanging several names as pairs, we narrowed it down to Kalina as her first name and Colette as her second name.  Darling husband ultimately chose her first name, Kalina  and I chose her second name, Colette. 

Kalina holds a number of origins.  One of them belongs to 'Princess Kalina of Bulgaria.'  

Her name also has a slavic and hawaiian origin meaning 'Flower.' We chose her name for its rare quality and sweet and gentle meaning.  A beautiful flower is she.  

Colette has a french and greek origin.  Its meaning is 'Victory of the people.'         

The first time I heard her name I imagined a rare gem of a soul.  There was something about its unique quality that made me know that is was perfect for her.  My Kalina is a gentle and giving soul.  

She's thoughtful and always finding a way to make her loved ones smile.  I've never met another Kalina.  This brings a smile to my face.     

For me, no other derivative of Kalina (or names that 'sound' similar) comes close to the pure beauty and rarity her name possesses.  I love that her name is very unique.  Her name will always leave a lasting impression.    

~Kalina Colette~

Sweet and delicate... A peacemaker. 

Image via Google

What was your experience in choosing a name for your child/children? 

Balance?

The girls and I have been back home for a week now.  We had a wonderful two-week visit with our loving family in Georgia and now we miss them terribly.

Surprisingly, I wasn't able to get as much writing as I thought I would.  I made a Vlog about that.

Now we're getting back to our day to day life.  The adjustment has been a bit challenging.  There's always work to be done in order to get back on track.  The house is upside down, I have about 5 days worth of laundry to do and I've clearly fallen behind on my writing.

Never. Enough. Time.

In any case, I'm trying and slowly getting myself back on track.  I think? I hope! I'm playing catch up...

What I've learned in this instance is that sometimes you have to disconnect in a way to gain some or most of your senses back.  It's been tough.  

And by the way, balance is so overrated!

I often wonder if balance actually exists?

I don't believe that there ever really is a 'middle' balance.  You're either leaning too far left or too far right and not ever in the middle.  I guess a trapeze artist has really got that balance act down to a science! I should go take a lesson or two from one of them.

In the meantime, I'll continue to keep trying.  I'm optimistic!

Vlog: Writing and vacationing with kids

Today I'm sharing my experience with time for writing and being on vacation with your kids.
Thanks for watching and enjoy!

The truth about parenting away from home

It's been 11 days since we (meaning the three girls and I) have been away from home.  We'll be back home in 5 days. It's been incredibly amazing and exhausting all at once.  We're in a small town.
The slow pace and polite locals has been a relaxing change for me and I've taken it all in.  Really.
This is the polar opposite of what home is like.

The truth? It's real damn hard to be parenting solo.  Read me again, 'real hard.'  Don't get me wrong, it seems that back at home its no different because DH works so much anyway.  But something IS definitely different.  For one, at home I get to vomit my frustration to him and he'll hug me and say, 'Yeah, I know... I know... let's watch a movie.'  


Note: As I write this post, my eldest has come out of the room for the third time complaining that her 'sisters' are not letting her sleep. Ugh!!!!! 


The girls have gotten quite comfortable with how and when they misbehave while away from home.  My aunt and uncle have been pure joy and love to us four.  The girls seem to have banked on that one.  The sass that the older two often show becomes quite infuriating.  I've kept my cool and have dealt with it much more calmly than I would back at home.  This is good for me, I guess.  I'm always learning.

Another truth: I know nothing.  I'm a mom and I make tons of mistakes.  Period.    

The baby gets away with most of the acting up.  Smart on her part?  Not sure.  She'll gingerly tip-toe to my side and nuzzle my arm for me to pick her up if I'm frustrated at her.  She'll do the same to everyone else in the house and wins! She definitely has our number.

Note: The baby came out after being 'asleep' 30 minutes ago and asked me to take off her band-aid.  Still trying to finish this post.


What gets me the most is when I get tough with them (the kind of tough that says 'go sit in the room alone for 5 minutes') and they start whining and crying, 'Daddy! I want Daddy! Daddy! Daddy!'  


What?! Seriously?!


That right there totally kicks me in the ass because back at home it would still be ME disciplining and reprimanding and so on and so forth! Ugh.

I don't get it.  Really.

Note: Daughter #2 came out 15 minutes following the little one and said, 'I'm thirsty.' No joke.


So the parenting thing on my own has been exasperating at times.  It can be easy to take for granted when there is another parent around to take the lead or pick up where you've left off.  Everyone needs a break.  

Believe me, the first thing I plan to do when I get back home is say, 'Hi honey, we're home! Here, take the kids for 6 hours! Have a blast and honey, please don't call. Muah!'


I. Need. ME. Time.

I love my girls.  Anyone that reads me or knows me personally can attest to the dedication and admiration I have for them.  I've learned (and am still learning), like most parents are, to let go of the small things and to get tough when you really have to.  It's never easy.  Whether you have back up or are doing it solo, parenting is not a walk in the park.


Still, I'm looking forward to my reality of having a dedicated and loving husband and father waiting for us to arrive back home.  I bet he can't wait to hear all the craziness and loud shrieks he's been missing in our home. Then I can relax a little.  Just a little.

An ounce

I don't know why this surprises me but it never fails to amaze me how the simplest of moments can become incredibly special.  

I'm talking about sharing quality time and moments with those that genuinely love you.  It really doesn't matter what you're doing or where you're at because what matters is how you feel while in these moments.

Joy.

"If you can enjoy the smallest moments then all it takes is an ounce 

to truly experience joy..."-Uncle Julio (Poppa)

{Laughter is joy}

When you experience the tender moments of love a person has held for you no matter how much time has passed and how now they are transmitting all of that same love to your children, there is nothing left to wonder or contemplate because pure joy has been returned in the smallest of forms.  A priceless gift.

Grateful.

Each of my daughters are a small reminder of what once was, a little me.  It's sweet and it's special to my aunt and uncle.  Still, they know that the girls are their own little people but it touches their hearts to have this moment in time, this ounce of joy and this small reminder and small piece of me.
Getting to know each one of them has allowed another chance and opportunity to spread their love, only now times three.

Love.

I'm beyond happy for the time the girls have been able to have with them.  It's what I wanted.

We invest in those we cherish.

I feel like I'm sharing this investment with my girls because they will forever reap the benefits of who these two very special people are to me.  The interest appreciates with every giggle, smile and each moment of joy.

Sometimes, all it takes is small doses of a good thing to make a lasting impact.    

{Soaking in the joy of life}

{Above is a chalk drawn 3D sidewalk art celebrating the Macon Cherry Blossom Festival}

Family.

We don't always get what we want or sometimes what we expect but it's up to us to make the absolute best of what we have.  I was telling my uncle how I've become selective with whom I choose to interact with, share my life with and invest my energy into.  Not every person will value an authentic relationship and well, that's okay because I'll still hold compassion for these individuals.  We cannot change a single person but we surely can choose how we comport ourselves.  For me, simple is always better and I've cherished every moment I've been given thus far.

At the end of it all, it just takes an ounce of joy to make an enormous difference.

{Inside the first train station circa 1940's}

Joy.  Absolute joy is what I've been offered during this vacation and reunion and I've gladly and thankfully accepted it.  Joy is love.  Joy is simple.  All it takes is an ounce.  Joy is all this...