Rule of Thumb in Motherhood: Be Flexible

In the almost nine years of being a mother, the one invaluable thing I've learned is to be flexible.

What I mean by this is that there will always be a moment, situation, instance, time, etc., that I simply have to throw out the rules and just let things 'be' because I know that I cannot control all things surrounding myself and especially not my children (even if I or many of us secretly or openly want to.) Follow?

Now I'm not saying that having rules is a bad thing. Boundaries are good, when needed. Limits are good, when necessary. Schedules are good for sanity. BUT these do not apply 100% of the time.

When I had my first child and found myself navigating the unknown waters of a newborn, teething, breast-feeing, me being sick or the baby being sick or both and all that jazz that comes with the territory of motherhood, I quickly learned that trying to meld a situation to my standards or liking was never going to work because I figured that this modus operandi would make me, well, narcissistic.

I had to drop my 'legal secretary' experienced mind with respect to order, schedules, predictability, expectations, high standards, rigidity but most of all, control. The legal world is brimming with control freaks and I was a soldier on that team. Until I became a mother.

After my first child arrived nearly six weeks early, she squashed my theory of planning a birth.  Then my second pregnancy became the epitome of my mantra, "let it go and let it be" (because we didn't quite know an estimated conception date therefore, an estimated due date was just a gestational hypothesis.) So I quickly learned that neurotic control would only make for an unhappy mama and later a tethered bebe.

My second round into motherhood gave me an acutely high maintenance baby with severe colic, cried 20 out of 24 hours and she had intense 'mommy-itis' which gave me the overall feeling that I was going to drown in my own tears.

She was a tough one but oh so sweet and loving. I almost didn't have number three because of her but am SO happy I did because as the cliché says, "alls well that ends well."

Now, don't be under the wrong impression, I still worry and plan and have rules and 'try' to keep to a bed 'time' and am overly cautious while out with them in public and make mistakes and struggle to keep my house clean and always have laundry coming out of my ears and yada, yada, yada... all that same boring stuff we ALL do and go through.    

I learned to be flexible. Yes, flexible because otherwise, everything surrounding my children and myself would simply become an issue, problem or pain in my ass and in the asses of others if I weren't. So, I loosened my grip, became more lax and allowed more because what I ultimately experienced was a more relaxed and satisfied me once I cultivated this within myself.

Sure, the girls had 'nap times' but if they didn't have one that day, no biggie (perhaps they were going through a growth spurt or some other change) and if they were tired, they slept anywhere. When they're tired, they're tired no matter what is happening around them. Yes, I also restricted certain foods, well, that is until they went to pre-school because it didn't always mean that what I packed in their lunchbox was what they consumed. That little bubble bursted real fast! At some point, there is only so much a parent can omit or restrict in a child's diet UNLESS they have a diagnosed food allergy or other medical issue (it happens to us all-no biggie.) TV? What about TV? They watch it, and? They aren't less smart or less imaginative or less social or couch potatoes because they view Dora or Pixar or heck, Word World. All in moderation is A-okay! If I'm too hard or strict on my kids, then that too will one day back fire on me... just my thoughts on this.    

There is no right or wrong way to parent. We are all doing the best with what we've been given. This is my experience and observations about what motherhood has taught me. All I'm saying is that flexibility is much more appealing in the long run and will surely give you less lines on your forehead.

Each and every one of my girls have taught me a little more, pushed a little more, challenged a little and ultimately molded the mother I am and the mother they need me to be because I invited being flexible into my life. They are all different. They all have different needs. I notice them happier when they see me go with the flow. It affects them and how they interact with others as well. I can attest that motherhood is much easier when I'm flexible.

Again, I cannot predict or know a thing at any given moment but my children will remember and know how they felt depending on how flexible I was.

Try it... you may be surprised.

Poppa

Father's Day has always been a tainted holiday for me. Never feeling like I 'belonged' to anyone or that I was 'biologically' linked to a man who actually loved and cared for me. Father's Day was just another hellish holiday.

I've shared with you the story of how I met my biological father, as well as, how I was partially raised by a pedophile because, well, I never owned another story. Until now.

You see, I have a Poppa.

He didn't watch me grow up or share the excitement when I lost my first tooth or eased my angst of starting Kindergarten or see my face light up on a Christmas morning or disapprove of my first dorky boyfriend or guide me emotionally when I thought the world was being unfair or teach me to ride a bicycle or put a band-aid on my first knee scrape or tried his hardest to brush my unruly hair or reprimanded me for disrespecting him or stayed up late while building me a Barbie dream house or take me on my first camping trip or let me eat all the M&M's I can stuff in my mouth no matter how badly my tummy would ache later or sing me "Happy Birthday" when I turned a decade old or help me with an erupting volcano science project (never did that one but wished I had) or beat the shit out of anyone who looked at me 'shifty-eyed' or tell me that all those pictures he took when I was going through my 'odd' teen years that I was still beautiful to him or make a run to the drug store late at night because I had run out of my girlie monthly toiletries without feeling embarrassed or take me to Disney World for the first time or.... The list can go on.

The list doesn't matter anymore.

I have a Poppa. Here is what he HAS done.

He's told me how much he loves me. He's told my three amazing daughters how much he loves them. He's genuine and sweet and sensitive toward my feelings. He's shown me, with his unconditional love, that no matter how much time has passed between us and no matter how much he missed out on due to unfortunate circumstances, he's grateful for what we have today. What we have right now. What we have right here, in this life and for the rest of our days. He's appointed himself grand'Poppa' to the girls with all the glee that a man can muster up.

He was there when his 'muffin girl' (Luna) lost a tooth. He was there to witness his little Kalina (he'd say, aka-'just like her Momma') put on all the band-aid's she could stick on her body no matter if she needed them or not. He was there to witness his Sabrina ride the bicycle he bought her super fast and without a care in the world. He was there to witness his 'daughter' and wife share a rare moment of legacy passing late one night in his dining room as tears of joy and wonder filled him to his core. He witnessed pure love and pure gratitude. He was there to witness the mother that I am. He knows the daughter that I am and the authenticity and compassion I embody. He is my blood. He is my Poppa.

{Poppa and his girls! He let them paint his nails, 

put girlie things in his hair, lip-gloss, 

a fancy shawl and lot's of giggles. 

The best moments are these... } 

He made a Proclamation:

Let it be known and understood, that from this day forward…the personage known as Vanessa Rufino Jubis will no longer be known as our niece to all common man and women worldwide. 

She will be our daughter without the need for permission from any person, court of law or family member. She shall be our girl, and her daughters shall be our grand-daughters and she will take her rightful moral place as sister to our natural children, and as our daughter. Our absolute love for her cannot be taken, erased or forgotten with the passage of time or amount of distance from our proximity. 

On the 26^th of March 2012, she was the recipient of a mother’s legacy and love. She was given treasures that brought joy and smiles from the giver and the receiver alike. With her-self assured confidence, she stated that she knew it would look great on her and as I watched her try on things, I was thankful for her joy because of its genuine expression. Her face would light up with every gift…and then the realization struck her. She was being showered with love from far-away places, and the bond was being solidified all the more. When she was given prized memento’s of over 54 years…she would glow. Then she surveyed her legacy in front of her and her tears flowed, but she was warned not to do that or it would be all taken back…just a Mama’s white lie! It was her gift of love from the woman who held her love close, and now it was time to let her know in this small but significant way…she has always been our girl and it was time to let her know. We have no intention of taking her away from anyone, but understand that no one will ever take her away from us again. We shall dispatch with formalities of law and rely on the joy of love in this proclamation…so don’t say squat!

Poppa Julio

{My Momma & Poppa}

This Father's Day marks the beginning of a journey with the Poppa I never knew I had, the love that never died and the absolute beauty this life has to offer.

Happy Father's Day to the best Poppa in the Universe! I love you more and more each day...
your girl ♥

Letter to my 19-year-old self

The year is: 1996

Dear Vanessa,

You've recently graduated from High School and you're looking forward to college.

Nothing is going to come easy. Hard work and perseverance are at the forefront of your journey. No matter what you choose to do, do it with heart and authenticity because those two things will ultimately prove to be a valuable tool on your journey to self-discovery.

Love your parents, no matter their flaws. Know that they too were children that were broken by one mode or another.  They will both learn to be vulnerable with their deep rooted pain once they see you be candid and authentic about yours.

You've only known your father for two years. You're not sure what he feels most of the time but do know this: he loves you but isn't confident about how to show you because he feels guilty about your turbulent childhood. He is a sweet man despite his quiet and guarded position. He's thoughtful and caring but he hurts in ways that you'll learn about 15 years from now. He is full of guilt and shame and he'll one day face this head on. In the meantime, love him and be a listening ear. He'll be forever grateful to you.  He'll tell you one day, years after you've been married and after having three children, how proud he is of you and how honored he is to call himself your father.

You go to psychotherapy. At first you're reluctant but this is the start of your issues with trust. You don't know it yet but you struggle to trust people, you struggle to let down your guard and you struggle to understand your life thus far. Psychotherapy is the first brick that you lay down to begin your journey to learning who you are. Because you pay out of pocket for your psychotherapy, you can no longer afford it but you never forget the things you learned while there.

You've always felt the strangeness of not belonging. Because of your past revolving around neglect and misplacement, you have a deeply rooted desire to have your own intact family. You don't wonder about motherhood too much but you know that children are sacred to you because you spend so many years caring for your own siblings. When you finally become a mother, you carry the natural ability to be the mother that you always needed and this is your journey to healing the broken child within you. Your children will heal you in more ways than one.

Your mom needs you more than you need her. Be there for her even if you need a mom too. Her strife is bigger than you realize but you'll come to learn that once you have children of your own. You will come to accept the things that you cannot change about her. Your relationship will take 15 years to stabilize and after this, you'll appreciate her generous and open heart because at her core, she's a loving and sensitive soul that means no harm. You will become her confidant.

You spend four years with a young man that proves to be there very person you do not want to spend the rest of your life with. Although you loved him, you learn to listen to your gut and let go of a relationship that was not allowing you to grow as a person. This becomes a brave trait that you never knew you possessed. The time you spent with him were pivotal in your journey to self-discovery but you learn this once you allow yourself to reflect upon your young life.

Two years after you move on from that relationship, you reluctantly attend a Chinese New Year's party. Even though you don't want to, you make a wish at a bon fire. Be happy that you do because on that night, you ultimately meet your soul mate, husband and father to your three children.

Don't allow for disappointment in those you love change the course of your genuine emotions toward them. You'll learn that everyone is imperfect and most individuals have issues that they are not always willing to face or talk about. It's not about you. Some may try to mirror their unhappiness toward you, but don't take this personally.

Love those who betray you. Love those who speak ill of you. Love those who prove other things with their actions because they too need a compassionate heart to love them. You'll realize that life is never fair and unfortunate things do happen, no matter what. Make every excuse to tell those who are dear to you how much you love them.

Communication. Communication becomes a vital force in your life because you were raised without it. You learn to communicate your feelings because you realize that this is the only way to bridge gaps and fill voids. Don't worry about what others think of you because your character will speak for itself. When you're authentic and honest about who you are, there will never be a need to prove anything to anybody.

Love yourself first. Don't beat yourself up about silly mistakes. It's okay to be human and imperfect. You're not built to be mistake-free. Value those who value you.

Years later, you'll remember what your 12th grade English teacher told you: "Vanessa, you can become a great writer. Nurture your gift." You weren't exactly sure what she saw in you, but you didn't believe  her either because you didn't believe in yourself.

Six years later, when you're admiring the spectacular water fountains in the Gardens of Tivoli, in Italy, during your honeymoon, you'll have an epiphany. You don't want to go to Law School, no, what you really want is to become a writer. You do.

Many years after that, you find your voice. On a random summer day, you take a leap and you voice (by writing) your story of childhood sexual abuse and it is then that you appreciate the power of sharing the not so pretty moments of your early life. People value raw honesty. You're not ready for the outpouring of support and love that you receive after you publish this piece but you accept it and are grateful.

Strangely, you're surprised at how the people you thought you knew actually turn out to be the very people you never thought they'd become.  Your adult self sees things much differently than your young adult self. You struggle with this issue. Individuals that are dear to you grow a different skin and you inevitably learn to shed an old skin. You experience grief and sadness but you soon learn that these are the elements that make you a more resilient and compassionate individual. Don't expect people to apologize or take responsibility for their actions. Just know that you can't change people, you can only inspire them.

I cannot prepare for your issues with depression and anxiety that you'll experience in your early thirties. I can only tell you to be prepared to feel alone and for most to not understand you. You will have a supportive and loving husband and a dear friend that will serve as a listening ear.

Sadly, because of your unexpected bouts of depression, there will be an unfortunate event that will leave you mortified but it will reveal to you those who value you and your genuine emotions.  Take these moments with a grain of salt because you are human and imperfect. Still, continue to love those that shun you.

Right now you may think that you are who you are and that is that. Not true at all. Know that you will change and grow and become a different person at various stages of your life. Your life experiences and the people that you choose (notice, I said 'choose') to surround yourself with will play a pivotal role in your growth and self-discovery.

Don't sell yourself short, Vanessa. Surround yourself with people that will encourage you, not stifle you. Surround yourself with people that value family, not try to create havoc and discord. Choose your friends wisely. Be selective with whom you share your time and energy with because not every person will have the best intentions. Listen to your gut and hone your instinctive ability to see right through people because this will aid you in your path.

You will follow your dreams and cultivate purpose and passion in your life. The biggest lesson you'll learn is compassion. This will sit at the core of your being.

You will write a novel. You'll pour your heart into it. You don't know it yet, but you will get published one day. Make all the days of your life count because no matter what, every single one of them, good and bad, matter.

Sincerity meets Reuniting

About three years ago two very lovely people fell out of touch. For various reasons and perhaps some misunderstandings, things between them fell apart.

Their friendship was special.  They'd connected in a way that's virtually impossible to articulate.
A sisterly love was shared between them and was never broken.

Before they met, their hearts were left thousands of miles away.  They had both emigrated from the same country, so this was a vital force in their friendship. It's inevitable to want to find those that share a common thread with us.

I've been fortunate enough to call one of these lovely individuals my friend, my sister and one of the few people I trust to leave my children with. She's thoughtful and caring and honest and available emotionally and authentically. I value this. I value her. I love her dearly...

I knew how heavy her heart was about the loss of connection with her friend. I felt it and it affected me. It pains me to see people suffering over misunderstandings. The fact that we are human and imperfect drives a force within me to want to make things better for those that need a listening ear or a compassionate heart.

The human condition fascinates and bewilders me...

Because I had shared my thoughts on the subject of her loss with my dear friend and had encouraged her to reach out to her friend, it was my sincere desire to see her re-kindle that relationship because love and the people we choose to be our family is sacred to me.

Loyalty and sincerity is my nature.

I know that we don't always get the family we want or understand why certain people are the way that they are but there is no doubt in my mind that we get the people we need. We never know how we are going to affect or inspire anyone at any given moment in our lives.

Yesterday, I took it upon myself to reach out to her friend. This is when I mention how Facebook has allowed for magical things to happen.

Magical things happened.

Her friend was open, available, receptive, loving and absolutely ready to re-connect with her! I sent a simple message that basically said:

"Hi! I've been meaning to tell you that there is someone who misses her friend. She needs you but is too embarrassed to tell you because so much time has passed. She may get angry at me for telling you but I had to because I love her too much not to try.  There, I said it. I feel better... vj" 

Within moments I received a response from her. A positive one. She was over-the-moon delighted that I had shared this truth with her. She was grateful that I was sincere with her. She couldn't wait to speak to her friend.

This is where their journey, once again, begins.

The following day they spoke. They shared how much they missed one another. They let each other know how much they are loved.  They've already planned to see one another for a joyous occasion and this simply brings a song to my heart.

I was thanked for a simple act. Two hearts were needing one another but simply didn't know how to bridge the gap. Sometimes we're given a role to partake in and our heart always knows when its the right moment to act upon it. For whatever reason, I was the catalyst to this chapter in their friendship.

Yesterday was my friend's son's birthday and the friend I reached out to is his Godmother.
She'd been thinking of her Godson all day....

It was a good day because when sincerity met reuniting everyones heart smiled...      

Simply stated

Today I am grateful for the things that I have, good and bad.

Continuing to cultivate compassion is what my mantra will be.

Today I am grateful for personal growth and awareness.

Continuing to be authentic in my actions and loyal to myself will be my modus operandi.

Today and everyday I will continue to remind my daughters to acknowledge those who love them because expressing gratitude and authenticity shines brighter than any star in the Universe.

Continuing to be an example for my daughters is my number one priority because I am their foundation.

Today I'm allowing my cloak of discontent to fall to the ground because the only cloak that will keep me warm and safe is love.

Continuing to sew the pieces of my life together is the only way I'll have a quilt large enough to cover all of those that are dear to me.

Today is a good day.

I continue to learn.

I continue to grow.

I continue to make mistakes and pick myself back up again.

I'm alive and I'm imperfect and I'm okay with this.

Your life is your poem

I was asked if I write poetry. "Yes." I responded.

I've been writing poetry since I was about twelve. I never cared to share my poetry thoughts with anyone because I simply wrote them for myself.

Poetry, like books, saved me more than once.

I think that most people cringe at the thought of poetry because they think that it needs to be understood and interpreted into prose. This is not so. Poetry is personal and deep and moving and inspiring and heartbreaking all at once.

It can be simple or long or short or complicated. It can be anything you want it to be because your thoughts and your emotions are what makes it breathe.

Breathe. Life. Into Poetry.

I resort to poetry during random moments, overwhelming moments, silent or alone moments and even moments that I'm afraid to one day forget.

We all have a story. Whether we choose to share it or not is a personal matter. Oftentimes, while in deep thought or reflective moments, I hear myself thinking in poetry. My thoughts form like stanzas and repetitive verses or occasionally rhyme without intending to.

Some call poetry a form of therapy. Others see it for simple creative beauty or a small crevice into the mind of a person or poet.

For me, poetry is my life. It's your life. It encompasses all the beautiful, the ugly, the mundane, the magical, the inspiring, the wonder, the happiness, the sadness and so much more that we feel, experience, see or imagine.

Your life is your poem. Write it.