Letter to my 19-year-old self

The year is: 1996

Dear Vanessa,

You've recently graduated from High School and you're looking forward to college.

Nothing is going to come easy. Hard work and perseverance are at the forefront of your journey. No matter what you choose to do, do it with heart and authenticity because those two things will ultimately prove to be a valuable tool on your journey to self-discovery.

Love your parents, no matter their flaws. Know that they too were children that were broken by one mode or another.  They will both learn to be vulnerable with their deep rooted pain once they see you be candid and authentic about yours.

You've only known your father for two years. You're not sure what he feels most of the time but do know this: he loves you but isn't confident about how to show you because he feels guilty about your turbulent childhood. He is a sweet man despite his quiet and guarded position. He's thoughtful and caring but he hurts in ways that you'll learn about 15 years from now. He is full of guilt and shame and he'll one day face this head on. In the meantime, love him and be a listening ear. He'll be forever grateful to you.  He'll tell you one day, years after you've been married and after having three children, how proud he is of you and how honored he is to call himself your father.

You go to psychotherapy. At first you're reluctant but this is the start of your issues with trust. You don't know it yet but you struggle to trust people, you struggle to let down your guard and you struggle to understand your life thus far. Psychotherapy is the first brick that you lay down to begin your journey to learning who you are. Because you pay out of pocket for your psychotherapy, you can no longer afford it but you never forget the things you learned while there.

You've always felt the strangeness of not belonging. Because of your past revolving around neglect and misplacement, you have a deeply rooted desire to have your own intact family. You don't wonder about motherhood too much but you know that children are sacred to you because you spend so many years caring for your own siblings. When you finally become a mother, you carry the natural ability to be the mother that you always needed and this is your journey to healing the broken child within you. Your children will heal you in more ways than one.

Your mom needs you more than you need her. Be there for her even if you need a mom too. Her strife is bigger than you realize but you'll come to learn that once you have children of your own. You will come to accept the things that you cannot change about her. Your relationship will take 15 years to stabilize and after this, you'll appreciate her generous and open heart because at her core, she's a loving and sensitive soul that means no harm. You will become her confidant.

You spend four years with a young man that proves to be there very person you do not want to spend the rest of your life with. Although you loved him, you learn to listen to your gut and let go of a relationship that was not allowing you to grow as a person. This becomes a brave trait that you never knew you possessed. The time you spent with him were pivotal in your journey to self-discovery but you learn this once you allow yourself to reflect upon your young life.

Two years after you move on from that relationship, you reluctantly attend a Chinese New Year's party. Even though you don't want to, you make a wish at a bon fire. Be happy that you do because on that night, you ultimately meet your soul mate, husband and father to your three children.

Don't allow for disappointment in those you love change the course of your genuine emotions toward them. You'll learn that everyone is imperfect and most individuals have issues that they are not always willing to face or talk about. It's not about you. Some may try to mirror their unhappiness toward you, but don't take this personally.

Love those who betray you. Love those who speak ill of you. Love those who prove other things with their actions because they too need a compassionate heart to love them. You'll realize that life is never fair and unfortunate things do happen, no matter what. Make every excuse to tell those who are dear to you how much you love them.

Communication. Communication becomes a vital force in your life because you were raised without it. You learn to communicate your feelings because you realize that this is the only way to bridge gaps and fill voids. Don't worry about what others think of you because your character will speak for itself. When you're authentic and honest about who you are, there will never be a need to prove anything to anybody.

Love yourself first. Don't beat yourself up about silly mistakes. It's okay to be human and imperfect. You're not built to be mistake-free. Value those who value you.

Years later, you'll remember what your 12th grade English teacher told you: "Vanessa, you can become a great writer. Nurture your gift." You weren't exactly sure what she saw in you, but you didn't believe  her either because you didn't believe in yourself.

Six years later, when you're admiring the spectacular water fountains in the Gardens of Tivoli, in Italy, during your honeymoon, you'll have an epiphany. You don't want to go to Law School, no, what you really want is to become a writer. You do.

Many years after that, you find your voice. On a random summer day, you take a leap and you voice (by writing) your story of childhood sexual abuse and it is then that you appreciate the power of sharing the not so pretty moments of your early life. People value raw honesty. You're not ready for the outpouring of support and love that you receive after you publish this piece but you accept it and are grateful.

Strangely, you're surprised at how the people you thought you knew actually turn out to be the very people you never thought they'd become.  Your adult self sees things much differently than your young adult self. You struggle with this issue. Individuals that are dear to you grow a different skin and you inevitably learn to shed an old skin. You experience grief and sadness but you soon learn that these are the elements that make you a more resilient and compassionate individual. Don't expect people to apologize or take responsibility for their actions. Just know that you can't change people, you can only inspire them.

I cannot prepare for your issues with depression and anxiety that you'll experience in your early thirties. I can only tell you to be prepared to feel alone and for most to not understand you. You will have a supportive and loving husband and a dear friend that will serve as a listening ear.

Sadly, because of your unexpected bouts of depression, there will be an unfortunate event that will leave you mortified but it will reveal to you those who value you and your genuine emotions.  Take these moments with a grain of salt because you are human and imperfect. Still, continue to love those that shun you.

Right now you may think that you are who you are and that is that. Not true at all. Know that you will change and grow and become a different person at various stages of your life. Your life experiences and the people that you choose (notice, I said 'choose') to surround yourself with will play a pivotal role in your growth and self-discovery.

Don't sell yourself short, Vanessa. Surround yourself with people that will encourage you, not stifle you. Surround yourself with people that value family, not try to create havoc and discord. Choose your friends wisely. Be selective with whom you share your time and energy with because not every person will have the best intentions. Listen to your gut and hone your instinctive ability to see right through people because this will aid you in your path.

You will follow your dreams and cultivate purpose and passion in your life. The biggest lesson you'll learn is compassion. This will sit at the core of your being.

You will write a novel. You'll pour your heart into it. You don't know it yet, but you will get published one day. Make all the days of your life count because no matter what, every single one of them, good and bad, matter.