I Am NOT Supermom but I AM Mom Enough

The other day I was feeling overwhelmed, consumed and simply up to my neck with everything around me so I updated my personal Facebook page to read this:

There were more threads of people who commented (I just didn't snap the entire screen shot.)

You may say: 'Ok, fine. No big deal.' 

Now this comes as no surprise but you know what I noticed, yet again? That every single mother out there is practically in the same boat as me.

We're all struggling to keep our sanity, our homes in order, our kids fed and bathed and ALIVE, our life in some semblance of balance, yet we still put an enormous amount of pressure on ourselves no matter how many times we know this fact: "I'm NOT supermom."

I second guess my parenting decisions, DAILY. But I'm doing my BEST.
I worry that I'm scarring my kids in some emotional way, DAILY.  But I'm doing my BEST.
I struggle with feeling inadequate as a mother, DAILY.  But I'm doing my BEST.
I don't know what each day will bring me. But I'm doing my BEST.

There are so many other ridiculous things that would take up this entire post but I just don't want to do that to you. Follow?

Repeat after me, "I. Am. NOT. Supermom. But. I. AM. Mom. Enough."

Why do we do this to ourselves?

Here's one thing I KNOW for sure: There is no RIGHT way or WRONG way to parent. Period.

We're parents. We make mistakes, we do wonderful and not so wonderful things, we learn, we cry, we praise, we support, we give, we receive, we love and we're HUMAN.

Human.

So when TIME Magazine published their cover that read, "Are You Mom Enough?" along with the blogger, Jamie Lynne Grumet and her 'standing' breastfeeding toddler, I wasn't so much offended by the fact that a three-year-old was nursing but more about the hook and posture of the entire image.

Mom enough? Really?

Stooped on a chair, nursing? Really? No breastfeeding mother I know nurses her toddler in this fashion.  It's absurd and contradictory with how nursing a toddler is really done.  

I was baffled.

TIME got what they wanted. A seriously heated debate.

It has taken me days to let the rage settle and the hurt to subside. Rage because this depiction is insane. Hurt because I'm simply tired of yet another media incited 'mommy war' to take on another stab at ALL mothers.

This is a stab to every mother on this planet. Why? Because here is another tactic to cause 'the great debate' over parenting styles.

Just to be clear, I embrace, practice and advocate home-birthing, attachment parenting, long-term breastfeeding, co-sleeping, baby-wearing and pretty much all the other 'unconventional' parenting practices.  It doesn't matter to me what parenting style you embrace or practice for your child so long as you're not judging and placing a stigma on the ones that differ from yours.

Who am I to judge or criticize any mother or her choices?

My mother was not an attached parent and did not breastfeed me or my four sisters. She parented me as best she could. I'm okay with this.

This is not about good mom/bad mom. If you ask me, that term should not even exist because if you're a mom, you're simply doing your best. Period.

What is grossly missing in today's society with respect to mothers as a whole is one simple thing:

Compassion.

There is zero compassion for the working mom.
There is zero compassion for the breastfeeding mom.
There is zero compassion for the formula feeding mom.
There is zero compassion for the mentally ill mom.
There is zero compassion for the mother who has a baby as a result of rape or incest.
There is zero compassion for the mother who gave her baby up for adoption.
There is zero compassion for the stay-at-home-mom.
There is zero compassion for the mother who turned away for a split second and lost sight of her child.
There is zero compassion for the lesbian mom.
There is zero compassion for the single mom.
There is zero compassion for the artificially inseminated and unmarried mom.
There is zero compassion for the mother who had an elective c-section.
There is zero compassion for the mother who chose to terminate her pregnancy.
There is zero compassion for the mother who forgot her baby in a heated car.
There is zero compassion for mothers. Period.

Yes, I strongly believe that there is little to no compassion in the areas I listed above and many, many more.

If mothers continue trekking down this 'mommy war' road then how does this shed a positive example for our children?  What will our children think of all this drama? How are we shaping their impression of motherhood, moms, mom culture and parenting collectively?

I think we need to start with extending a heck of a lot more compassion in ALL areas of mothering, motherhood, parenting and the like.

Let's BE compassionate toward each other.

My friend and editor over at ShePosts, Kristen Howerton, wrote a phenomenal piece on her blog, Rage Against the Minivan, where she brings up an undeniable and important factor in the mom world:
"Where is the Mommy War for the Motherless Child?", just read it and you'll see.

Her points are mind-blowing and her tone is just what the world NEEDS to hear.
These are the 'wars' I applaud, back-up and am the first one to stand up and shout for.
Thank you, Kristen!

While I and most of us moms are not supermoms, I can proudly say and with smug smile, we ARE mom enough.  Period.

Daughters: Raising strength & compassion

Before I ever had children, I often thought of how difficult it was being a woman in this world.  Women have been oppressed, repressed, objectified, abused and belittled, among many other things.

I've especially thought about the 'war on women's choice' that is upon us.  As a woman who values my body and the incredible ways that it can grow 'life', I take great offense to individuals, groups, ideologies and anyone else that feels that they have a right to decide how or what I (we women) 'choose' to do with it.  Namely, our uterus'.

I have three daughters — three.  One day they will be deciding and choosing the same things that I chose as a young girl, a young woman and now a mother with respect to their body and reproductive system.  It is my duty to raise and teach each one of my daughters body awareness, body acceptance and respect toward themselves.  They will know that they too have choices that are no one else's responsibility but their own.

In addition, I must also make them aware of the grim reality of sexual abuse.  This is never an easy topic but it MUST be spoken about and explained.  My daughters know that 1 in 3 girls is sexually abused.  My daughters know that 90% of sexual abuse comes from a known and trusted friend or family member.  They know that their own mother has put great effort and awareness into peeling away her own layers of shame from being a victim of abuse.  I did it for them and for the many that have yet to shed that skin.  My daughters know this because I have been open and honest with them about the facts.  They know that their bodies belong to them and no one else.

I am a feminist mother.  What I mean by this is that I am shaping and changing the norms of motherhood by raising strong and compassionate daughters.  I am a mother who cares about the well being of others. I am a mother who knows that motherhood brings forth opportunities, insights and allows us to strip down to the raw self.  I am a mother who wants her daughters to know that it does not matter what you choose in this life so long as you choose it with passion and heart.  I am a mother who values and admires all walks of life because every single one of us matters.  This altruism only exemplifies my passion for change and acceptance of women globally.  My daughters are watching and listening and mimicking my actions.  They will one day bring this to the world.

Compassion is holding a hand out for a rape victim. Compassion is comforting a child you did not birth.  Compassion is listening to the pain of a mother who has lost her child. Compassion is easing the angst of a woman who chose to abort her child for reasons that most would not understand and letting her know, "It's okay." Compassion is not damning the choice of others because they do not concord with your own. Compassion is what connects each and every one of us as a whole. Compassion is Universal and it speaks the same language globally.  We simply have to listen and feel it.  Be it.

"For real change, we need feminine energy in the management of the world. We need a critical number of women in positions of power, and we need to nurture the feminine energy in men."- Isabel Allende

Compassion and strength go hand in hand.  My daughters will have the strength to know that we women have the power to make great changes in the world along with the compassion to bring forth unity, acceptance and love.

"Compassion, from birth, is in our blood." -Dalai Lama

What I am doing now is what will shape the women they will inevitably become.  I am authentic in my actions.

They will have choices to make.  I will tell them that their voice matters.

They will face difficult decisions and adversity.  I will tell them that no matter the challenge they may have to face, if they have enough will and courage, they will succeed, sometimes with no applause.

In the world we live in today it is of the utmost importance that my daughters realize and own that being vulnerable is NOT weakness because without vulnerability there is no change.  I want them to be free to express their thoughts, creativity and talents without feeling the stigma of being labeled 'woman.'

"Vulnerability is our most accurate measurement of courage."- Brené Brown  

This is not to say that all men are stifling women and girls.  I am not about the vilifying of all men.  My daughters are fortunate to have a father that encourages, embraces and celebrates the incredible minds and efforts of his daughters and women as a whole.  He is the epitome of compassion toward the feminine.  Him having an incredibly talented, intelligent and graceful mother himself lends to one of the reasons why he is this way.  His mother was raised by a progressive and feminine embracing father. Her father honored her strengths and place in this world as a woman.  She was lucky like my daughters are.

I am a skeptic.  I question most things.  I trust few.  The one thing I know for sure is that compassion is strong and women have an amazing talent to nurture themselves and grow from even the most unfortunate of situations. We begin this journey by being mothered and perhaps later mothering our own children and ourselves.  Even if the mothering you received wasn't stellar or admirable or even worth telling, the seed of our worth was planted and nurtured in some magical way.  I am proof of this.

My daughters are the future.  My daughters carry the flame that keeps the fires of humanity alive because without their miraculous organ of the uterus and their passionate hearts and compassionate souls and expressive creativity, this world would be at a great loss for the potential of what 'women' and humanity as a whole can bring forth.

I owe it to my daughters to be all the things that most people have said I could not DO or BE because courage begins with allowing oneself to be vulnerable.  I am raising an example of who I know all women can be. Strength and compassion inevitably follow along for the remainder of our purpose in this world.

"In the human experience, the relationship between a mother and her child is the closest to compassion."- Osho  

I am mothering and raising and expressing myself for the girls of this world, for the daughters of this world, for the women of this world, for my paternal and maternal ancestors, for me and for them, my own daughters.  

An Open Letter to Parents

Dear Fellow Parents,

I've found that being a parent has its rewards and struggles. Not everyday is a lovely, happy, exciting or spectacular day.

Then there are days that you feel like you're walking on a happy cloud, completely sober and actually enjoying every single moment with your child(ren).  I love these days.  I want to savor and soak up every single ounce of it.

Parenting is hard.  We love our children like we've never loved a living creature on earth before.
We wish upon them all the beauty and love that this life has to offer.

We make mistakes along the way.    

I was raised by an emotionally absent mother and my father was absent from my life until I was seventeen.  I had to make the best of my situation.  It was not easy.  Still, I love both of my parents and forgive their mistakes.  I'm no better than anyone else out there.  We all have a story to tell, some worse than others.

But this is not about my story, no, this is about parents as a whole.

I'm often struck at the level of unkindness and judgments that are placed upon parents.
Parents are not perfect in any way shape or form.  Parents are regular people trying to make the best decisions for their children.

There seems to be a giant void in the circle of parents.  This void encompasses all of our fears, challenges, struggles, inadequacies and insecurities.  These emotions are not easy for most of us.
We are complex in every way.

My question to most parents out there is this: Who are WE to judge other parents?

Why?

How does judging our fears, challenges, struggles, inadequacies and insecurities make us better parents?

Why?

How does kicking another parent when they're down make us better than them?

This makes me hurt.  This makes me sad.  This makes me question my fellow parents' level of love and compassion toward me and other parents.

I believe that every parent may face an incredibly challenging, scary or even life altering moment at some point in their parenting lives.  If and when this happens, parents will come looking for other parents' support and compassion, no matter what our differences may be.

I'd like to know that no matter our differences in parenting styles, disciplinary choices, rearing choices, etc., that parents as a whole will *try* to embrace a broader level of compassion and love toward one another.  

No one will ever know what it's like to live in another parents' shoes because we are all unique in our own ways.  No one will ever truly know our own children the way we the parents do.

Parents, let's be a bit kinder toward one another.

Parent's, let's be more compassionate toward one another.

Parents, let's be more respectful toward one another.

Parents, let's SHOW our children that we can live in a world where there are many differences but the one thing that speaks a universal language is LOVE and COMPASSION.

Sincerely & Compassionately,    

Compassion

com·pas·sion  
noun
-a feeling of deep sympathy and sorrow for another who is stricken by misfortune, 
accompanied by a strong desire to alleviate the suffering.


The one emotion I struggled to come to terms with as a young adult was compassion.  I arrived at compassion with my own mother.   I became aware of it and owned the emotion and have since applied it toward other humans.  It was not easy but it has tethered my feet to the ground.  

This week, a blogger that I follow put up a guest post titled 'I don't like my children.'  This mother was RAW and open about her frustrations with having a son with Aspergers and a daughter with ADHD.  I admire her authenticity and openness.

I don't have children with special needs.  But I get her.  I can only *imagine* the life that she has to face day in and day out.

A ton of people were up in arms with her candid confession.

As mothers, we all handle different circumstances in different ways.  Thanks to the wonderful and enormous blogosphere, we can dispense of our thoughts, joys, frustrations, depressions, anxieties, doubts, worries, love and fantastic news of our lives while hundreds read us and sometimes, chime in.

When I read stories like the one Jill, of Scary Mommy graciously posted, I'm often struck with how little *compassion* other mothers have for one another when I read comments or see trickles of less than 140 character comments on Twitter.

It pains me to think that I cannot be RAW with other mothers if I *need* to share a deep emotion or struggle or thought that I'm experiencing in my parenting or life in general.  It pains me to sometimes 'hear' myself 'think' of judging another mother's choice, decision or challenge.

It pains me.

I know that we are all in this together.

I am certainly NOT perfect.

I make a gazillion mistakes.

I often find myself apologizing to my daughters for some dumb ass thing I said.

I have issues.  Many issues, including bouts of depression or sudden bursts of anxiety.

I feel that as moms, we all need to be a little more compassionate toward one another.

Every. mother. IS. needed.

Compassion is a powerful tool to show a person that you're living
and breathing and surviving just like they are.

I will never know what a mother is REALLY going through when I see her yell at her child in the park.  I will never know if the mother that ignored her shrieking child in the grocery store struggled that morning to peel herself out of bed to simply go out and buy food.  I will never know what it feels like to WANT your child to simply utter the word 'Mama' at the age of 4 because they can't.  I hope to never know the despair a mother with a child that has cancer feels every waking moment of her life.

I will never know many things until it happens to me.

In the meantime, I vow to be compassionate to my fellow mothers both in my daily and virtual life.  Always here if you need me...