I'm not crazy

I went to the hospital yesterday afternoon because I was experiencing chest pressure, difficulty breathing, my heart pounding and an extreme FEAR that I was going to die.

I was having a full blown and quite severe panic attack.  The worst one ever.

Let's just start by saying that there is nothing fun about feeling like you're about to die while alone with your three children.  Darling hubby was working one and a half hours away from home and I was running errands with the girls.

You should know that when I reach the point to call my husband for help because I don't feel well, it. is. serious.  I'm notorious for NOT asking for help.  I need to work on that.  

After I called DH, he advised me to go home and that he would leave work as soon as possible.  Thankfully, he also called his mother to come to the house and help me.

Once my MIL arrived, she convinced me to go to the hospital because she saw the worry and fear in me.  I was so afraid that I was going to have a heart attack.  Yes, a heart attack because it doesn't matter how young you are or how much friggin' exercise you do or how well you eat, ANYONE can have a heart attack.

THAT idea scared the shit out of me.

I wasn't interested in the 'til death do us part' aspect my life YET.  Leave me alone black reaper!

Seriously, a panic attack is nothing to take lightly.  It's real.  It's a disorder.  I'm not crazy.

At the hospital after the EKG, chest X-ray and blood work all came back 'normal', I was given a Xanax to calm me down.

I had never taken a drug for my psychological issues.  The Xanax worked in this instance and within an hour after taking it, I was discharged with "the good news is, 'you're not crazy', nor are you headed that way."  Yes, that was written in the discharge notes.

"Gee, thanks!" I thought.

I was also given an Rx for Klonopin.  I haven't decided just yet if I'm going to get that prescription filled.  Although, I do fear having another one of these episodes while alone and with the girls.

I found this informative and hilarious video describing a panic attack.

I DO shop at Whole Foods and I am NORMAL ;)

I WILL overcome this.  I WILL share my experience here.  I WILL inevitably help someone else going through this because we are NOT alone.

*I was not paid or compensated to write this post.  All opinions belong to me.*

My Scary Monster

                                 Source

This is probably one of the most debilitating issues for me to deal with.  I get panic attacks.  Often.

Panic attacks are random.  They are REAL.  The worse part, they scare the hell out of me.

"Panic attacks may be symptoms of an anxiety disorder. These attacks are a serious health problem in the U.S. At least 20% of adult Americans, or about 60 million people, will suffer from panic attacks at some point in their lives. About 1.7% of adult Americans, or about 3 million people, will have full-blown panic disorder at some time in their lives, twice as often for women than men." Source

This past weekend I had a more serious one happen to me.

We were having lunch at my in law's when out of nowhere I began to feel the room closing in on me, it was becoming increasingly difficult for me to breathe, my heart was racing, my hands were shaking and I felt nauseated.

I was afraid I was about to throw up at the lunch table.  Goodness, that would've been a disaster!

I tried, I tried really hard to hide it but I couldn't.  I had to get up from the lunch table and walk to a back room with my husband.

He sat with me.  He held my trembling hands.  He tried to make me laugh, you know, to get me to think of something else but no, it didn't work.  I began to slowly inch into hyperventilation and then started to bawl like a two year old.

It was awful.

I kept apologizing to my husband.  He told me that I was silly to apologize.  I didn't believe him because I was so ashamed of my momentary condition.  But I'm so grateful he's always here for me during my 'crawling' moments.

I was out of control.  Desperate.  Suffocating.  Scared.

It lasted about fifteen minutes.


For as long as I could remember I've experienced symptoms of anxiety, panic and depression (starting around age 3).

My depression was ignited with the temporary abandonment by my mother.
I remember crying a lot for her to come back.

I later experienced PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) at age four.
It was after a man my mother was dating pointed the barrel of a gun to my left temple and threatened to kill me in front of her.  I believe he must've shot the gun because I can recall bits and pieces of that day.  I vividly remember the cold gun to my head and later the loud ringing sound in my ears while I was crying hysterically in my mother's lap.  Whatever happened in between, I blocked out.

At around age six I began to experience anxiety from the sexual molestation.

I've seen therapists and psychologists before.  I've been diagnosed but never medicated.

I'm a believer in alternative medicine, i.e., Chiropractic and/or auricular therapy.  Since my darling husband is a Chiropractor, I get treated here at home.  Thankfully.  

I'd like to exhaust all of my alternative possibilities before I attempt anything else but I am open to other alternatives, if need be.

The pain of all this is the hardest.  I try my very best to stay positive.  Sometimes I falter.

I'm not perfect.  

Still, I continue to look for the beauty and magical moments this life has to offer because all these moments are precious and I know that I matter to many...

This is my scary monster but I will not let it eat me up.