September 2005 (Sabrina was 20 months old and Luna was 3 days old).

The look of postpartum depression here...

In early 2007 I was feeling very depressed. I had been struggling to keep myself 'together' from the time that my second daughter was born back in 2005. It was hard. The biggest challenge for me was having the right support. I thank my mother in law, Magda, for being the one enormous help (aside from my amazing husband) to me during the first weeks of Luna's life. I remember the feeling of being suffocated by my own emotions and struggles and inner conflicts.

I wrote this (below) to myself one afternoon. I remember sitting at my desk top while my two babies napped in their room. I opened up to myself. I needed to feel better and wanted to feel validated inside. This is what came of it.

My personal thoughts about myself…

March 22, 2007

'I feel compelled to share this personal view and intimate experience of myself as a mother.

I am a mother whom tries her hardest to do the very best for my children but there are also many occasions that I drop the ball and experience moments that I would I like to hide away from. I am a wife, a mother, a daughter, a sister and a friend and would not want anything more than to be able to peel the layers of embarrassment, shame and judgment off of myself when I feel that I have let myself down or more so, my children.

I have highs and lows, happy moments and sad moments, calm moments and angry moments, I am real, and I am a woman. I was a woman before I became married, I was a woman before I bore my amazing children and I will continue to be a woman. I try to take in deep breaths and attempt to regain my center within the deepest parts of my core when I feel that I have drifted off. Women are powerful beings. Sometimes I feel that my power is lost...

I want to be the very best mother to my daughters but I know that there is no such thing as perfect. I become angry with myself when I catch a glimpse of the mean mommy who yells at her daughters to get them to cooperate, or ignores their cries to get my attention, or constantly says “just one more minute” when I really mean thirty minutes.

I beat myself up inside when I cannot be compassionate about the little girl inside of 'me' that wanted her mommy’s attention. Therefore I expect myself to be a wonder mom to my daughters. I need to care for my 'self' on the inside to be happy on the outside and this is difficult. Motherhood is a journey to take a look at yourself in ways you never dreamed you would or could. It scares me.

I am grateful to be blessed with motherhood. I carry a pain that sits with me even when I don’t want it around and mothering my daughters forces me to look it straight in the eye and be with it, acknowledge it, and let it go. Everyday I am given a choice, either to live for tomorrow or live in the now. I try to live in the now and by doing this I simply enjoy the act of my daughter Sabrina caressing my hair with her gentle touch or feeling Luna’s warm breath on my breast while she nurses and sweetly looks up at me. These small moments lower me back to the ground when I have drifted off and remind me that I am alive. I am a person with a beating heart and my wounds do not define me. I am not perfect and I am not a wonder mom but I am a woman and a mother and I do the best that I can and I am okay with that.'

When I read this I'm siphoned back to that very moment of fear and angst and pain and love that motherhood has brought me. I am reminded to be kind to myself. I am reminded to love myself even more. I am reminded to be compassionate, empathetic, grateful and aware of my mothering self. I am reminded that no matter how daunting a moment can feel like, it will be okay. Motherhood is not a straight, clear and narrow road. There are many winding roads, rocks along the way, potholes, debris and stormy weather to overcome. Motherhood is an opportunity for me to feel through my ever winding emotions and immense love for my daughters.

Motherhood has given me the gift to heal, to become compassionate and to love the soul that resides in this skin even when there are uneasy moments.