Our relationship is unique in that my mother has never really 'found' her way, thus leaning on what she considers her source of strength, me. The funny thing here is that I don't consider myself that firmly rooted. I sway like every other palm tree in a hurricane. I think she's attracted to my unrelenting WILL to do whatever it takes to keep moving forward. I just hate excuses, that's all.
She classifies her life with it being 'full of bad luck' but I call it being 'full of wrong decisions' because her choices have led her to where she is today. She's been judged, criticized, scrutinized, vilified and rejected for most of her adult life. I've watched her sink deeper and deeper into regret and consumed by her depression.
I get depressed too. More than I'd like to. She was seriously depressed while pregnant with me. I think that the hormones that were released in-utero may have affected me to some degree. I definitely have a low supply of 'happy genes.' But what do I know anyway?
My mother wrote me a card the other day.
{Mom's card. To me.}
She asked me to read it. Alone.
I did.
I was touched. No, I was grateful.
Actually, I was moved.
She thanked me for loving her. She thanked me for worrying about her. She thanked me for caring and always asking if she's eaten or how she's feeling or what's the matter when I can tell by the look on her face that she's going through a phase or episode or moment of feeling completely beaten to the ground. She told me that she knows how much I love her. She told me that I was her special girl.
It moved me.
It gave me a piece of her.
I held it and imagined her writing it. Alone. Crying. Sharing her heart.
I didn't cry.
Several days later I told my mother how much I enjoyed and loved her card to me. I let her know that it was special and honest and sweet. The strangest part for me here was that as moving and loving as this card was, there was still an unresolved void within me. Perhaps my automatic 'emotional guard' took over. I don't know? It's a peculiar emotion and all too familiar.
There was a moment given to us and I shared my feelings with her. Ones she's always known but I imagine, likes to hear every now and again. I understand this need. I was driving and she was sitting beside me.
Silence enveloped us. For several minutes.
'I know how much you love me.' She said.
I held her hand in response and together, we cried.
No comments:
Post a Comment